“You’ll be waiting a while to get a spot. Rehearsals go until eleven, even on show nights.”
I hesitate, not knowing what to say, and not wanting him to think I’m as weak as I feel.
He casts his eyes around the room, assessing. “Look, I don’t need the whole ring to rehearse. I can stay on one side, and you can practice on the other.”
Thump goes my heart. “You wouldn’t mind me being here?”
He shrugs, like it might only be a mild inconvenience, but one he can put up with. “I’m not generally good at small talk, so as long as that isn’t a problem…”
No interacting. Just practicing.
I’ll freaking take it.
“It won’t be a problem,” I blurt out quickly. I think it startles him, because his eyes widen. “From now on, I’m basically the flying carpet out of Aladdin. I won’t make a sound.”
His expression is still tense, like there’s something he’s trying to figure out. But whatever it is must not be very important, because he pulls his eyes away from me and presses his violin to his chin. A moment passes, and he’s sliding his bow along the strings, lost in his own world.
I stretch across the floor and disappear into my own world too.
CHAPTER SEVENTEEN
Chloe texts me in the morning: I don’t want us to be fighting. Can we please not be fighting?
I stare at the screen for a beat too long because it takes me a while to realize why she thinks we’re not talking. And then I remember we haven’t spoken since Monday, and we hung up on less than happy terms.
Avoiding Chloe wasn’t intentional; I just forgot the conversation even happened.
Maybe Chloe doesn’t need to know that part.
I don’t want to fight either, I write back.
She starts typing right away. Oh thank God. I felt like we were going to break up or something. It was the literal worst. More typing. And I’m sorry if it seemed like I was yelling at you before. I was just surprised. I thought you’d tell me something as major as running away with a circus. You know, before your parents did.
I chew my lip. Okay, well I’m sorry too. But I swear it wasn’t on purpose. And we’re DEFINITELY not going to break up. I’m like the Hulk to your Bruce Banner. You’re stuck with me!
Chloe: Haha. Okay. So we’re good?
Me: Resuming Best Friend Mode in 3… 2… 1…
Chloe: You’re SUCH a nerd.
Me: We literally became friends over Pokémon cards. Nerd culture is our legacy.
Chloe: True. I miss you. It’s not the same here without you. But hey, maybe you’ll be back in Vegas at some point and I can watch you perform!
I decide not to tell her about the popcorn. That would be uh-mazing.
The three little dots appear, then vanish. It takes almost two minutes for her to start typing again. I’m happy you’re happy.
I don’t want to lie, so I send a thumbs-up emoji and hope it’s enough.
She doesn’t write back, so I guess it is.
CHAPTER EIGHTEEN
Load-out begins as soon as Sunday’s matinee performance ends. The small tents come down first, and when the Lucky Thirteen begin dismantling the big top, the motor homes start to pull away, one at a time.
“They’re like a house of cards,” Dexi says from the driver’s seat. Our trailer is already hooked up to the back of the truck, and we’re waiting on our cue that it’s our turn to go. “There’s an order to how everything fits—if you start moving stuff around too early, the entire system collapses.”
Vivien yawns from the passenger seat, stretching her arms behind her head until I hear a crack in her shoulder. “Was that as loud to you as it was to me?”
Dexi snorts, and I try to feign laughter. My heart feels tired. I wish there were an easier way to explain that—an easier way to fix it. But I feel like I’m wading through peanut butter. Everything I do feels like a struggle.
I want to work hard. I want to do more. More than serving popcorn and lurking in the back of Maggie’s rehearsals and doing handstands in the big top late at night.
I need to massively readjust my expectations. I know that. But sometimes it’s difficult when my heart still feels so set on an idea. I guess it’s hard for me to wrap my head around a change of plans.
One of the crew members waves us forward, and then we’re on the road, headed to our next tour stop with