Happily Ever All-Star: A Secret Baby Romance - Sosie Frost Page 0,273

defense up around me, and then let me off the leash. And there’s a part of me that wants it. Piper, I’m so damn tired of watching my steps and trying to hold back. And if Ironfield allows me to follow my instincts…”

“You can control yourself, Cole. I know you can. I’ve seen it.”

“But if you knew how hard I’ve been fighting myself...” He collapsed at the counter. “You wouldn’t be sharing this house with me. You wouldn’t let me near your daughter.”

“Everyone has darkness in them. You aren’t alone. I’ve had those shameful thoughts, regretting the things I’ve done.”

I reached for his hand. He didn’t take it.

“I’ve had moments where I’ve regretted getting pregnant. Where I wondered how much easier and better my life would be if I hadn’t had to drop everything for Rose. I’ve thought…I should just marry Jasper. I should take the life he offered. Why fight for a job I didn’t want for a salary that barely covers the essentials to care for a baby I never planned on having. But you know what?”

Cole looked up.

“They’re just doubts. Just thoughts. Little twitchy moments that cloud your mind when you’re tired or hurt or awake at four AM trying to calm a teething baby.”

“It’s different for me.”

“You’ve changed. You might have ripped Jasper’s head off, but you stopped yourself. You’ve never had that strength before.”

“I had to stay calm.”

“Why?”

“For you.” He held my stare. “I hated seeing you so scared. And the baby was crying, and I just kept thinking…I could kill this man right now. But you needed me more than you needed my fists.”

And he had been right. Wise enough to know what I needed and strong enough to control his temper. I approached him, stroking his cheek and running my fingers through his long hair. He let me touch him, even kissed my hand as it caressed his lips.

But he took my palm and squeezed, as if testing to see that he could hold me without crushing my hand. He could, but his voice resonated with the wrong kind of confidence.

“It’s like there’s two of me,” he said. “Split down the middle. I can see it, and it’s because of you. You gave me a reason to change, so I could be calmer, gentler. But—”

“Don’t say it.”

“I can never be healed, Piper. I’m not a family man. I’m not good for you, and I’ll never be good enough for Rose.”

“That’s not true.”

“I shouldn’t have to fight with my instincts to be a good man. Maybe it’s the game that fucked me up, or maybe I really am a monster, but if I can’t trust myself, neither should you. If I take this trade, Ironfield won’t want this kinder, gentler Cole Hawthorne. They’ll expect The Beast. And I won’t be able to control it anymore.”

“Then I’ll help you. The season is only sixteen weeks long. Add in another six for training camp. That’s less than half of the year. I can…” My voice trembled. He was already giving up. “We can live here during the off-season, and I’ll fly out to be with you during—”

“No.”

“Cole—”

“I’ll sell the estate.”

“But…this is your family’s…”

“It’s not a home. It was my sanctuary—the only place I felt safe from myself. But I don’t need it anymore.”

“What do you need?”

“A cage.”

I tensed. I heard the pain in his voice, felt the coldness in his touch.

“We have to end this, Piper.”

I couldn’t breathe. I faked it and whispered through the tightness. “Why are you always pushing me away? All I want is to be close to you. I can help.”

“I can’t be a slave to both my rage and you, beautiful,” he said. “I’ll slip up. I’ll say the wrong thing, do something terrible. I can’t risk you or Rose. In ten years, I’ll probably be in jail or dead in an alley. You deserve a better future than springing my bail and washing blood out of my clothes.”

“Don’t tell me what I deserve, Cole. I’ll fight you on this.”

“And I’ll win.”

“Damn it. Neither of us are winning,” I said. “Especially you. You’re running. Hiding.”

“Damn right I am. You should be grateful.” His jaw tightened, and he nodded at me. “Call the Monarchs. Tell them I consent to the trade.”

This wasn’t happening. I couldn’t let it end this way and lose him to his own nightmares.

“You’re stronger than this, Cole.”

“Make the call.”

“No. Not if it means losing you.”

He shook his head. “I never should have gotten involved with you.”

“I’m not talking