life. But…” I didn’t know how to phrase it without sounding like a total idiot. “I kind of miss Cheryl. I miss…who I thought she was?” Was that even a thing? “It’s like with Maddy. A part of me does miss her, even if I would be happy if I never spoke to her again. At the same time, it makes my stomach hurt and it’s so fucking…sorry…”
“Cuss away, don’t edit yourself.” Erin’s calm acceptance made it easy to push forward.
“I miss her. I miss what a mom is supposed to be. What I kind of thought we had, or maybe I just lied to myself about. I can’t tell the guys that. They really hate her. And I don’t.”
“You don’t what?”
“I don’t hate her. She just makes me sad. She makes me really, really sad.”
“And you don’t think you should feel sad?”
“I should hate her. I should hate her for always choosing everything that isn’t me.”
“There is no should, there is how you feel. Your feelings are your feelings.”
“Okay fine, I get Maddy. But why Cheryl? Why… We weren’t close but…” I sighed. “I thought she liked me. I can’t in a million years picture doing to the people around me what she did—even the ones I don’t like.”
“I’m going to say this again, and I need you to spend some time with these words and to make yourself comfortable with the thought and the emotion. You are allowed, entitled even, to feel how you feel. There’s no right or wrong. Your emotions are yours. Acknowledging them, it’s the first step toward understanding them.”
“That sounds really great,” I said with a sigh. “But I feel a lot of things.”
“And that’s okay, too.”
I nodded, but it was more an acknowledgement than anything else.
“We’re getting close to the end of our session, and we’ve talked about a lot of disappointments today. Can you tell me one good thing that’s happened since we last spoke? Something that made you feel good?”
“Archie said he loved me,” I admitted and let myself smile. The warmth that evoked helped to fill in some the empty and aching places those other disappointments left in their wake. “Ian and I are in a good place again. We made up.”
“How does that make you feel?”
I laughed, even as I blinked back some tears. “You just asked me what made me feel good.”
“And now I’m asking how those two things make you feel?”
I sucked on the inside of my lip. A blush warmed my face. “I feel wanted, valued…seen.” Wry smile in place, I lifted my shoulders. I was almost afraid to admit it because I didn’t want to jinx anything.
“I feel good.”
Chapter Five
It’s the Little Things
Jake and I cut out of school early on Friday. I, because I had an actual doctor’s appointment, and Jake, because he was my ride. The guys had actually rock paper scissor’d it the day before, even though Jake said it would be easier if he did it since we had seventh together anyway.
Some arguments I just refused to wade in on. Particularly when PMS seemed intent on making me miserable and pissy. Just easier to eat my ice cream and let them figure it out on their own.
Jake won in a run-off with Coop that lasted eight rounds with the two of them choosing the same damn item every time, until Jake switched it up and rocked Coop’s scissors.
All hilarity aside, I was both dreading and looking forward to the doctor’s appointment. The follow-up from the emergency room visit was a pain in the ass, but I liked Dr. Robbins. She’d been my doctor forever. It was the one thing that I didn’t mind going to see her about all this because from the age of eight onward, she’d been my doc.
Mostly because Maddy had gotten irked with the pediatrician who argued with her, and the next thing I knew, no more peds for me. Just Doc Robbins.
As we pulled into the parking lot, I reminded Jake, “You can just sit in the car or the waiting room, but you’re not coming back with me.”
He chuckled. “I’ll be good.”
“Uh huh, and you’ll be good out here. It’ll go faster if you’re not there.” And besides, I had thing to discuss with her that I did not want to discuss with Jake. Or any of them, at least not right now. I gave him a quick kiss. “If I need you, I have my phone. I’ll call, and you can play Super Jake.”