A Great Deliverance - By Elizabeth George Page 0,127
like it, Gilly?'"
Jonah pounded his right fist against his forehead. With his left arm he hugged himself tightly across his chest up to his shoulder. "Please," he moaned.
"I didn't know, Bobby. I didn't understand. I was only five years old and then it was dark in the room. "Turn over,' he would say, "Papa will rub your back. Do you like that? Where do you like it best? Here, Gilly? Is it special here?' And then he'd take my hand. "Papa likes it there, Gilly. Rub Papa there.'"
"Where was Mummy?" the doctor asked.
"Mummy was asleep. Or in her room. Or reading. But it really didn't matter because this was special. This was something fathers share with daughters. Mummy mustn't know. Mummy wouldn't understand. She didn't read the Bible with us so she wouldn't understand. And then she left. I was eight years old."
"And then you were alone."
Gillian shook her head numbly. Her eyes were wide, tearless. "Oh no," she said in a small, torn voice. "I was Mummy then."
At her words, a cry escaped Jonah Clarence's lips. Lady Helen looked at Lynley immediately and covered his hand with her own. It turned, grasping her fingers tightly.
"Papa set up all her pictures in the sitting room so I could see her every day. "Mummy's gone,' he said and made me look at them all so I could see how pretty she was and how much I had sinned in being born in the first place to drive her away. "Mummy knew how much Papa loved you, Gilly, so she left. You must be Mummy to me now.' I didn't know what he meant. So he showed me. He read the Bible. He prayed. And he showed me. But I was too little to be a proper Mummy to him. So he...I did other things. He taught me. And I...was a very good student."
"You wanted to please him. He was your father. He was all you had."
"I wanted him to love me. He said he loved me when I...when we..."Papa loves it in your mouth, Gilly.' And afterwards we prayed. We always prayed. I thought God would forgive me for making Mummy run away if I became a good enough Mummy to Papa. But God never forgave me. He didn't exist."
Jonah's head sank to the table, cradled in his arms, and he began to weep.
Gillian finally looked at her sister again. Roberta's eyes were on her, although her face remained without expression. The rocking had stopped.
"So I did things, Bobby, things I didn't understand because Mummy was gone and I needed...I wanted my Mummy again. And I thought the only way to get Mummy back was to be her myself."
"Is that what you did when you were sixteen?" Dr. Samuels asked softly.
"He came to my room. It was late. He said it was time to become Lot's daughter, the real way, the way the Bible said, and he took off his clothes."
"He'd never done that before?"
"Never all his clothes. Not like that. I thought he wanted...what I usually...But he didn't.
He...spread my legs and..."You're...I can't breathe, Papa. You're too heavy. Please, don't. I'm afraid. Oh it hurts, it hurts!'"
Her husband swayed on his feet, scraping his chair back viciously on the linoleum floor.
He staggered to the window. "It never happened!" he cried against it. "It couldn't! It didn't! You're my wife!"
"But he put his hand over my mouth. He said, "We can't wake Bobby, darling. Papa loves you best. Let Papa show you, Gilly. Let Papa inside. Like Mummy. Like a real Mummy. Let Papa inside.' And it hurt. And it hurt. And I hated him."
"No!" Jonah screamed. He threw open the door. It crashed against the wall. He ran from the room.
Then Gillian began to cry. "I was just a shell. I wasn't a person. What did it matter what he did to me? I became what he wanted, what anyone wanted. That's how I lived. Jonah, that's how I lived!"
"Pleasing everyone?" the doctor asked.
"People love looking into mirrors. So that's what I was. That's what he made me. Oh God, I hated him. I hated him!" She buried her face in her hands and wept as the grief overcame her, tortured tears held in check for eleven long years. The others sat motionless, listening to her weeping. After long, painful minutes she raised her ravaged face to her sister's. "Don't let him kill you, Bobby. Don't let him do it. For God's sake, tell them the truth!"