I’m locked up in a mental ward, and if I have anything to say about it, I will be for the rest of my life. My stint out on my own from eighteen to twenty-four proved that I can’t be trusted in the real world. But Dr. Gupta believes that I’m trying not to think about the move because it’s upsetting, and it is—but not in the way he believes.
At Serenity, I know exactly who I have to be careful around. I know exactly who and what can trigger a hallucination. At this new place, who knows who’ll set me off? It could be another doctor, or an orderly, or a patient, or hell, even the gardener. Until I get my bearings and can figure out who I need to avoid looking at, I’m going to be on pins and needles, swallowing down nothing but anxiety and bile as I’m forced to get the hang of things again.
I meant what I said, though. I’ll be a good little insane patient and try to keep myself together as I figure out how the new place does things. Serenity means nothing to me, but the people here aren’t as hard on their residents as some places are. I feel like Dr. Gupta wants me to be more upset about everything though, like he wants me to admit that I came a long way here and at his guidance.
Too bad I didn’t.
I’m just good at faking it. This place harbors nothing but bouts of bad memories and loneliness, and the new facility probably won’t be any different. Why would it? It’s not like my mind has suddenly decided not to be broken. There hasn’t been one treatment, medicine, or stubborn doctor that’s been able to cure me, and I’m not holding my breath that this is going to change anytime soon, or ever.
“This new facility will have completely different practices,” Dr. Gupta warns me. “I don’t know what kind of therapies they do precisely, but I’ve spoken with the doctor who will be taking over your case, and I know he practices more unconventional and radical treatments paired with some alternative forms of medicine.”
“Sounds like a blast,” I say sarcastically.
Dr. Gupta waves a hand. “Apparently, he has good results with his patients. Maybe this is exactly what you need to put these hallucinations behind you.”
I shake my head tersely, because I know better. I will never see the world the way that I’m supposed to. I can try to ignore the things I see like usual, but I know it’s only a matter of time before I can’t differentiate between the delusions and reality. I’ve learned that lesson the hard way.
“You’re still young, Sable,” he says gently, the compassionate tone making my eyes rise to his face. “The mind is a powerful thing. Don’t give up hope.”
I grind my teeth slightly before I start to tap on my inner elbow again. I pretty much lost hope at three years old, but I don’t tell him that. It’s his last day. He wants sunshine and roses, not hard truths and painful realities.
“You and I both know I should never get out,” I remind him, holding his gaze with my gray eyes. “I was arrested and declared insane.” And with good reason.
“The mind can heal,” he argues.
“Not mine.”
We stare at each other for a moment, and the only sound coming between us is that damn humming computer.
“Can I go now?” I ask, suddenly feeling like these four plaster walls are closing in on me.
He tilts his head. “You can go, but this is the last session we’ll have together.”
I hop to my feet, and he gets up from his chair too. The good doctor always likes to walk me out like this is just a friendly chat rather than a mental wellness check. “Well, it was nice knowing you for four years, Doc,” I say, holding out a hand.
He grasps my palm, shaking it lightly before he walks me to the door and opens it. “Take care of yourself, Sable,” he says, and my stomach constricts. He may not have been effective for me, but out of all the doctors I’ve ever had, he’s been the kindest. Too bad there wasn’t someone like him around when I was a kid.
“You too, Doc.”
I turn and walk out, the soles of my plain white tennis shoes tapping against the seafoam linoleum. I pass by the orderly station, quickly diverting my gaze when I see Nurse Anika there.