Grave Secret Page 0,44

argue. "Then I'm meeting Victoria for supper. I probably won't come back after that."

"Good. You don't need to be cooped up all day. You'll probably want to have a run or try the hotel's weight room or something."

He was right about that. I'm used to sitting still for long periods, because we're in the car so much, but I'm also used to getting exercise every day, and my muscles were stiff.

I got a salad at a fast-food place, enjoying the bustle and purpose of the people in the restaurant. It felt odd to be alone, though I didn't mind so much after I watched (and listened to) a mother dealing with three preschool-age children at the next table. I wondered if Tolliver wanted to have children. I didn't. I'd already had the care of two babies, my little sisters, and I didn't want to go through that again. And I admitted to myself that while I didn't want to be pushed out of my sisters' lives, I didn't want to be in charge of those lives, either.

Even after I saw the youngest boy give his mother a spontaneous hug and kiss, I didn't warm up to the concept of carrying someone else inside my body. Should I feel guilty about that? Didn't every woman want to have her own child to love?

Not necessarily, I thought. And God knows there are plenty of children in the world. I don't need to supply another one.

Tolliver was awake and watching a basketball game when I walked into his room. "Mark called while you were gone," he said.

"Oh, gosh, could you reach the phone?"

"It was my big adventure for the day."

"What did he have to say?"

"Oh, that I'd made my dad feel bad, that he thought I was being an idiot for not welcoming Dad back to the land of the sober, with my arms open wide."

I debated with myself for a minute before deciding to say what I thought. "Mark has a real weakness for your dad, Tolliver. You know I love Mark, and I think he's a great guy, but he won't ever really get it, about Matthew."

"Yeah," Tolliver said. "You're right. He was nuts about Mom, and when she died, he kind of transferred that emotion to our dad."

Tolliver didn't talk about his mother a lot. Her death, from cancer, had to have been completely awful.

"I think Mark believes that Dad has to be good at heart," Tolliver said slowly. "Because if Dad isn't good, then he's lost his last parent. And he has to have that relationship."

"Do you think your dad is good at heart?"

Tolliver really thought about his answer. "I hope he's got some good left in him," Tolliver said. "But honestly, I don't think he'll stay sober, if he's really sober now. He's lied about it before, over and over. He always goes back to the drugs, and you remember that at his worst he'd take whatever anyone offered him. Now, I'm sure he must have been in a lot of emotional pain to need so many drugs to kill it, you know? But he abandoned us to whoever wanted to prey on us, because he had to drug himself. No, I can't trust him," Tolliver said. "And I hope I never do, because I'll be disappointed all over again."

"That was exactly the way I felt about my mother," I said, understanding completely.

"Yeah, Laurel was a piece of work," Tolliver said. "You know she tried to hit on Mark and me?"

I thought I might throw up the food I'd just eaten. "No," I said, my voice strangled.

"Yeah. Cameron knew about it. She came in on the, ah, critical moment. I thought Mark was going to die of embarrassment, and I had no idea what to do."

"So what happened?" I felt a deep and burning shame. I told myself it was none of my concern, but it's hard to believe that when you hear a story about your own flesh and blood that makes you sick to your stomach.

"Well, Cameron dragged her mom into the bedroom and made her put some clothes on," Tolliver said. "I don't think Laurel knew where she was or who she was coming on to, Harper, if it makes a difference. Cameron slapped your mom a few times."

"Jeez," I said. Sometimes there are no words.

"We're out of it," Tolliver said, as if he was trying to convince himself.

"Yes," I said, "we are. And we have each other."

"It can't touch us anymore."

"No," I said, lying