This, of course, links things back to Mum. Everything, if you dig down far enough, links back to Mum. She taught us early on that love was conditional. To earn it, we had to perform like we were in a concert. Smile, be cute, say something funny. Know exactly what she wanted you to do … and do exactly that.
She loved it when people found Fern and me charming, because it reflected well on her. I remember being on an outing with Mum in the city when we were about six or seven. By this time, we had been granted a little public-housing flat just outside of the city, and we’d often take day trips into the city so Mum could get away from our home, which she hated. This day, we were passing a busker playing the trumpet when Fern stopped and started to dance. Mum had been in a hurry, so she didn’t notice and kept walking. I tugged Fern’s hand to keep her walking, but she just grabbed both my hands and spun me around, giggling.
“Hey, look at those little girls,” someone said.
“Aren’t they adorable!” someone else commented.
After just a minute or two, a crowd gathered around us, clapping and cheering. I’d never had dancing lessons, neither of us had, but even then, I knew there was something magical about Fern—her golden hair, her long limbs, the pure joy in her eyes. She was like an angel.
“Who do these girls belong to?” someone asked. People looked around expectedly. My stomach was already in knots. When Mum noticed we were missing, she’d be livid.
“They’re mine,” came her voice.
Fern and I whipped around to where Mum was standing, her hand raised. She beamed from ear to ear. “There you are, my little ballerinas! Putting on a show as always.” She laughed, throwing the crowd a little eye roll.
“Don’t get too mad with them, Mum,” someone said. “They’ve got a big future in front of them.”
Mum accepted people’s accolades, basking in the attention. Receiving compliments was one of only a few things that consistently made her happy. Even so, I couldn’t relax completely. She might be smiling now, but I knew there’d be no applause for us when we got back home. If Fern shared my discomfort, she hid it well. Her shoulders were relaxed, her face was open. I remember being glad for her. Fern always seemed to have some sort of impenetrable boundary around her that made her immune to Mum’s reign of terror. I often wondered if that boundary was part and parcel of whatever was different about Fern. But Mum never took her for an official diagnosis. Giving Fern a diagnosis or help would have made her special and Mum was the only one allowed to be special in our house.
But even if Fern wasn’t scared of Mum, that didn’t mean Mum wasn’t a danger to her. I remember one time when we were seven, when Fern drew on the coffee table. That had been a terrifying day. It wasn’t an expensive table—it probably didn’t cost anything at all; we got most of our furniture from the Salvation Army back then. We were still living in the council flat at the time, and Mum’s welfare payments, she regularly told us, didn’t stretch to fancy things. It had been an innocent mistake. There had been laundry all over the kitchen table and Fern had asked Mum where she could do her homework. Mum had said, Do it on the coffee table. It was impressive really. Mum had been Fern’s mother for seven years and still hadn’t figured out how she would interpret those words. If I had noticed, I would have redirected her myself, but by the time I saw it, it was too late.
“Who wrote on the coffee table?” Mum roared when she’d seen it.
She’d been in a bad mood all day, but now she was enraged. I would have taken the blame—I was just about to, in fact—but Fern raised her hand before I could. She’d been so carefree about it, so utterly unaware of impending danger. She’d even smiled a little. It was too late for me to tap my bracelet against hers to warn her.
I held my breath. Mum could fly off the handle for the smallest thing—talking too loudly, talking too quietly, not thanking her profusely enough. Who knew what she would do if we actually did something bad? I must have nudged myself ever so slightly in front of Fern, because