came to him: I’ll never be able to do it. I’ll come apart, and my insides will fall out. Oh, God, why did you have to take Julie? Why not me? She was only a baby! Just a little baby.
He wanted to cry too, wanted to bury his head in his wife’s bosom, and let go of his pain, and yet he knew he couldn’t. Not now, perhaps not ever. He met his mother-in-law’s steady gaze.
“Nothing happened to her,” he said, forcing himself to keep his voice steady. “She just died. It’s called sudden infant death syndrome.”
Phyllis’s eyes hardened. “A lot of nonsense,” she said. “All it means is that the doctors don’t know what happened. But something happened to that child. I want to know what.”
Her words penetrated Sally’s grief. She pulled herself from her mother’s embrace and faced her. “What do you mean?” she asked, her voice strident. “What are you saying?”
Phyllis stood up, searching for the right words. She knew where the blame lay, knew very well, but she wouldn’t say it. Not yet. Later, when Sally had recovered from the shock, they would have a talk. For now, she would take care of her daughter … as her daughter should have taken care of Julie.
“I’m not saying anything,” she maintained. “All I’m saying is that doctors like to cover for themselves. Babies don’t just die, Sally. There’s always a reason. But if the doctors are too lazy to find the reason, or don’t know enough, they call it crib death. But there is always a reason,” she repeated. Her eyes moved from Sally to Steve, then back to Sally. When she spoke again, her voice was gentler. “I’m going to stay here for a few days—I’ll take care of Jason and the house. Don’t either of you worry about anything.”
“Thanks, Phyl,” Steve said quietly. “Thanks.”
“Isn’t that what mothers are for?” Phyllis asked. “To take care of their children?” Her eyes settled once more on Sally, then she turned and went back up the stairs. A moment later they heard her talking to Jason, and Jason’s own voice, piping loud as he pummeled his grandmother with questions. Sally was silent for a long time, then she spoke to Steve without looking at him.
“She thinks I did something to Julie,” she said dully. “Or didn’t do something. She thinks it was my fault.”
Inwardly, Steve groaned at the hopelessness in his wife’s voice, and reached out to hold her. “No, honey, she doesn’t think that at all. It’s just-it’s just Phyllis. You know how she is.”
Sally nodded. I know how she is, she thought. But does she know how I am? Does she know me? Her train of thought was broken as Jason came pounding down the stairs. He stood in the middle of the floor, his pajamas falling down, his hands on his hips.
“What happened to Julie?” he asked.
Steve bit his lip. How could he explain it? How could he explain death to an eight-year-old, when he didn’t even understand it himself? “Julie died,” he said. “We don’t know why. She …she just died.”
Jason was silent, his eyes thoughtful. And then he nodded, and frowned slightly. “Do I have to go to school today?” he asked.
Too tired, too shocked, too drained to recognize the innocence of her son’s words, Sally only heard their naive callousness. “Of course you have to go to school today,” she screamed. “Do you think I can take care of you? Do you think I can do everything? Do you think …” Her voice failed her, and she collapsed, sobbing, back onto the sofa as her mother hurried down the stairs. Jason, his face pale with bafflement and hurt, stared at his mother, then at his father.
“It’s all right,” Phyllis told him, scooping him into her arms. “Of course you don’t have to go to school today. You go upstairs and get dressed, then I’ll fix your breakfast. Okay?” She kissed the boy on the cheek and put him back on the floor.
“Okay, Grandma,” Jason said softly. Then, with another curious glance at his parents, he ran up the stairs.
When he was gone, Steve put his arms around his wife. “Go to bed, sweetheart,” he begged. “You’re worn out, and Phyllis can handle everything. We’ll take care of you, and everything will be all right. Please?”
Too exhausted to protest, Sally let herself be led upstairs, let Steve undress her and put her to bed, let him tuck her in. But when he had kissed