I show any kind of discomfort or defiance toward him and his lessons, I’ll only make things worse for myself and Violante.
I have to play the part of a dutiful daughter, trying her best to pay attention to her father’s lessons and adhere to his rules. However, the painful truth is trying its best to worm its way out of me: I don’t know how to be anything other than who I am. I know in my heart I have to smother my desires, to hide every facet of myself from him in the hope that if I succeed, he’ll let us both go...but deep down, I know he’d rather kill us than set either one of us free.
Sighing, I drag myself wearily over to my worn, wooden desk and take a seat. The DVD I’m still clutching feels as though it’s burning my palm, and I know the moment I play it my retinas and stomach will feel the same way. Letting out a long exhaled breath, I press the button on the side of my laptop and cringe as it ejects the disc tray. I quickly insert the disc before I lose my nerve and snap the blasted thing into pieces instead. Defying my father and destroying his property wouldn’t win me any favors with him.
I clench my fingers around the edge of the desk, and rubbing the tips against the uneven ridges in the wood, I concentrate on the texture while I grit my teeth, trying to keep calm as the cheesy music plays quietly through the speakers. Heavy footsteps pound on the stairs, signaling my father’s approach, and I force myself to stare glassy-eyed at the screen in case he comes in. He wouldn’t approve of my stiff posture or lack of self-stimulation, but some things are beyond my will. I can only hope the fact I’m complying with his orders to watch this crap will be enough to appease him.
My door bursts open, but I force myself to remain still, pretending I’m fixated on the sight of the man positioning the woman on all fours and taking her from behind. I don’t see how I could ever want to be in her place, and it tarnishes my heart and soul to even consider trying such a thing.
“That’s not how you watch porn. I’ve seen you, remember? When I caught you watching those filthy dykes together, you were showing a lot more interest and enthusiasm than this. It’s not a fucking documentary. Go lie down!” he barks, hitting pause and picking up the laptop.
I jump at his shout before hurrying to obey, even though it’s the last thing I want to do, especially with him in the room. My heart is already pounding, and my breaths are shallow from nerves and embarrassment. The memory of how he found out I was gay is still stark in my mind, but I can’t get lost in the past when my current actions will have a direct impact on not only my future but Violante’s as well. I don’t know what he has in mind; however, given how painful all of his previous lessons have been to live through, I doubt this one will be any easier.
I lie down on the bed, shaking with fear and anything but relaxed. I wish the bed would swallow me up like the one in that scary movie I once watched, but it doesn’t because this is real. I’m living in my own horror movie, only the monster isn’t some strange paranormal being or a serial killer I can escape from, he’s my own father, and there’s no running from blood.
I watch with wide eyes as he places the laptop next to me on the bed, close enough for me to clearly see the screen, and he presses play. The movie continues, and I lie there frozen while the music and sounds of feminine and masculine grunts and moans fill the room. Father doesn’t leave, and I’m guessing it’s so he can watch me demonstrate my understanding of his lesson, but rather than taking the seat I just vacated like I’d expect, he climbs on the bed and lies next to me.
A frightened whimper passes from my lips before I can stop it, and I start to move away from him, but a hand on my wrist stops me, and I struggle as he tugs me closer to him. I’m panicking now; my breaths are escaping in rapid pants, and my heart is