opposite. If anyone could have gotten the control lady to send us money, it’s you.”
“Controller,” said Jamie.
“It’s just a very menacing title for what it is.”
Jamie’s mouth twitched, out of what, I couldn’t tell. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath: usually a bad sign.
“Did you already promise Ruby?”
“No. I swear. I don’t know if they’ll even be able to do it.”
“Too busy recording the next album? Gimme Glucose?”
“I know you’re joking, but that is a perfect title for them.”
Jamie allowed herself a brief moment of smugness, then turned stony-faced once more.
“Anyway, you’re the true Sweets fan here,” I continued. “Remember?”
“Not so much anymore.” Jamie’s eyes dropped when she said this, and my stomach flipped. This was no longer about a benefit concert, or Triple Moon. She was leading me somewhere I hadn’t planned to go, and in fact had been avoiding for months, but I couldn’t not follow her there now, and it seemed like she knew that.
“Because of me?” I asked.
Jamie looked at me but did not answer.
“You broke up with me,” I said. “I’m not sure what right you think you have to be mad about this.”
“You basically didn’t give me a choice,” she said softly, her eyes darting to the counter to make sure Dee wasn’t looking our way. Mine followed, but Dee was still deep in her book.
“Are you suggesting I asked you to dump me?”
“Indirectly.” Jamie shrugged. “Yeah.”
I thought I might pass out, even hoped I would, so I could wake up hours from now, in a hospital, on some soothing IV drip with endless Jell-O on a tray at my side, this conversation forgotten and everyone I knew just relieved to see me alive. A dizzying wave did pass over me, as if summoned, but I didn’t fall. I was still there and so was Jamie and it was my turn to say something but my mouth was too dry and I couldn’t think. Jamie suddenly stood up and went to get me a glass of water from the dispenser by the milk and sugar. She returned and placed it in front of me.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “Drink this. Take a breath.”
As much as I wanted to refuse, cover my mouth or make a scene if I had to—anything to avoid doing what Jamie told me to do—I took the glass and drank, because I didn’t want to feel like this anymore and I knew Jamie was right. Since I’d known her, she’d seen me through a half dozen panic attacks and even more low-grade anxious episodes, and by now she was as close to an expert in Quinn Ryan freak-outs as someone without a therapist’s license could be.
“Put your forehead on the table and breathe,” Jamie instructed. I hesitated, and she gave me her signature just do as I say look. I lowered my head to the table and was instantly comforted by the cool, hard Formica.
“I’m going to touch the back of your neck, okay?” Jamie’s voice came to me from above, and I could feel her leaning closer to me. I knew we might look crazy, and if Dee saw us she might call over to ask what was wrong. I knew that to let Jamie touch me that way was to give in to a kind of intimacy we hadn’t shared since we broke up. I didn’t know if that was allowed. I didn’t know if Ruby would care. I knew that once Jamie offered, it was the only thing I wanted.
“Okay,” I said, and Jamie’s palm was smooth and cool and firm, reminding me I was alive, in a safe place, with someone I loved.
I do still love her, I thought. Maybe I always will. Maybe the love would change shape and maybe someday it would be much smaller, a marble I rolled around in my mind when I was old and hadn’t seen her in years. I didn’t know if I believed in God or destiny, but knowing Jamie, having this exact person in my life at this