I realised I had missed his energy, coming to rely on his visits, looking forward to them. You had always had that same spirit, that same desire to live in the present. I think it’s what you so liked about him and what you felt Lottie really needed in her life.
‘So,’ I said, the lake in front of us calm once more, a couple of dog walkers passing on the other side, ‘is everything all right?’
‘Yes.’
‘Good.’
I bit my lip, knowing this wouldn’t really cut the mustard. There’s no way you’d let him off this easily. But I didn’t want to ruin this mood, this post-triumphant daze we were both in.
‘I just thought . . . ’ I cleared my throat, determinedly staring straight ahead. God, why was this emotional stuff so difficult? Since you died I have realised how much of this I had left to you. When we spoke to Geoffrey about his wife, it was always you probing with the trickier questions. I would leave the room to make more tea, veer off into comments about the weather or Geoffrey’s recent concert trip.
‘I thought, maybe, you’ve seemed a little, that is . . . oh look, a hummingbird. Oh no, no it’s not, it’s a duck. More common, ducks.’
‘Are you all right, Teddy?’ Luke was looking at me, his face etched with concern.
‘Me. I’m excellent, thank you! Excellent.’
‘Well, that’s good. Thanks for bringing me fishing. I’ve never done it before. I get it, though. It’s nice, peaceful.’
I thought then of his father, who might have introduced him to fishing. So easy to forget sometimes that Luke didn’t have as many people in his life as he might have liked.
‘What I really, well, I thought . . . ’ I really had to get the words out, this was getting ridiculous, soon he would assume I was having some kind of stroke. ‘I hoped you haven’t been too down about anything recently. You’ve not been quite the same,’ I said in a rush, staring at the duck as if I was addressing it. It did turn to look in my direction, as if it was glad I recognised he had been a little low too.
There was a momentary silence and I was half tempted to glance across at him. I heard him sigh and the sound was a small, sad sound.
‘Perhaps a little. Sometimes . . . ’
He tailed away and I held my breath, waiting for more.
‘I worry, about Lottie and me,’ he admitted, ‘that we have changed. That we want different things now.’
It was my turn to fall silent.
‘Things seemed to have got so much better recently, old Lottie was back, all these outings we went on together, the dates, but . . . ’
He tailed away again and I scuffed my toe into the grass, desperately wanting to say the right thing.
‘She can be’ – I scuffed at the grass again, not wanting to be disloyal or critical – ‘I think she can forget sometimes what makes her truly happy. She is so incredibly clever and ambitious and talented but I want her to be sure that she is living the life she really wants. I suppose that was why the old-fashioned courting idea so appealed. A way to get her to focus on something else for a while, on your relationship. I thought it was working . . . ’
Luke settled back, looking out across the water glumly, ‘I thought so too.’
We both sat like that for a while.
A small bird dipped into view, hovering for a second before skimming the surface of the water and leaving as quickly as it arrived. It seemed to have woken Luke from his thoughts.
‘Thanks, Tedd— Oh my God,’ he said, sitting up with a jerk, twisting in his chair, ‘I think something’s biting.’
I stared at the mallet, my stomach turning over, ‘Oh . . . great,’ I said, watching him turn the reel. ‘That’s excellent.’
The things I do, Cora, honestly. I’ll have nightmares for weeks . . .
Teddy x
Chapter 19
Love is . . . enough
MAX, 80
I should have been desperate to see Amy. I needed my best friend, needed to spill out my worries about things at the moment. Ask her about work and stress and Luke and listen to her advice. Instead, though, I was dreading seeing her. Somehow I still hadn’t told her about the brooch. Every time we’d texted or spoken I had distracted her with excited, wedding-related squealing: ‘Soooon’, ‘Future Mrrrrrsssss’, ‘NOT LONG NOOOOOOOW’,