Amy never really asked for anything. She was absurdly capable and efficient. She was always the one turning up with a lasagne because she knew I would burn whatever I offered, the one who booked tickets for things when I expressed an interest in wanting to go. She would arrange the holiday details, flights, hotels and make everything ridiculously easy for me, needing only to transfer her half the cash with a click of my mobile.
She juggled the problems of kids and parents; she had been like a mother to me when my own mother was on the other side of the world. She had never let me down. I felt acid churn in my stomach, knowing at some point I was going to have to dial her number, tell her that I had forgotten, that I had completely failed to come through for the one thing she had asked me to do.
‘Parlour games,’ Luke chorused as I stood on the doorstep of Grandad’s place.
He was holding a glass in one hand, looking casual, relaxed and happy. It made me feel even more taut.
‘Charades are beginning. Thank God you got here when you did – you might have missed it.’
I could barely raise a half-smile.
‘I’ve got you a gin and tonic. The gin’s got black pepper in it but don’t worry, it’s nicer than it sounds, and we’re just running through the rules for the eighteenth time with Howard . . . he is struggling with the not-speaking element of the game.’
I should have told Luke there and then about the day I’d had. Luke would understand, he knew what Amy meant to me. But I couldn’t, the shame building within me: what would he think?
‘Come on. Arjun’s up, two words, it’s a film. I’m frightened it’s going to be Free Willy, he has form.’
In that second I wanted to turn and head straight home. Luke’s mood was so completely at odds with mine. Why couldn’t I shake off this irritated gloom and give him the smile he wanted? I could still ring the shop tomorrow, it wasn’t completely hopeless. I should just explain my unsettled mood and—
‘Is that Lottie?’ I could hear Grandad’s voice from the living room as I wearily stepped inside the house.
‘Tall! Big! Very big!’ Howard’s voice was booming out.
‘Stop guessing for a second, Lottie’s here,’ Geoffrey was saying.
‘Very, very big!’
‘Howard!’ everyone shouted.
I couldn’t face heading into the living room. The energy and high spirits was too much. I looked down the corridor to the door of the kitchen, imagining for a second pushing it open, stepping inside to spill all my troubles on to the sympathetic shoulder of my grandma. She had always known how to bring me round, listening with her pale blue eyes trained on my face, moving in for a sympathetic cuddle before a few stern words, rallying and inspiring to put things into perspective. A photo of her taken on her sixty-fifth birthday stared down at me from the wall of the corridor, a laughing shot of her clutching a full glass of Pimm’s next to the barbecue in the garden, smoke haloed around her, Grandad looking on in admiration.
She wasn’t here any more and the pain hit me all over again, as it did sometimes at the strangest moments, taking my breath away. She simply didn’t exist. She wasn’t in the kitchen fixing up a drink, grumbling about the men not knowing a coaster if it hit them in the face, singing, badly, along to the radio that she always had turned up too loud.
‘Lottie!’ Howard called. ‘Arjun’s pausing his frankly disastrous performance for you. Two words. A film, apparently, although I’m not convinced.’
I took a breath, stepping into the living room to see Arjun, his back to the group, hands hovering over his flies as if he was genuinely planning to drop his trousers. He then turned back to the group as if he’d forgotten something, cupping one hand behind his ear. Everyone was frowning at him in confusion, staring at the hand lingering at his crotch. I wanted to loosen up, accepting the drink from Luke with a quiet, ‘Thanks.’
‘Glad you’re here,’ Luke said, squeezing my shoulder.
‘None of that, Luke. Lottie can be on our team,’ Howard said, beckoning me to sit next to him. ‘Sit on the pouffe here. It’s two words, a film apparently. I think the first word is something to do with something being tall or big.’