Grandad. All from this morning: 05.43, 05.47, 05.51, 05.56, 05.59.
I felt my palms dampen in an instant, a swirling in my stomach. I clicked on the ‘1 Voicemail’ message and listened. I must have made some kind of noise because moments later Luke appeared in the doorway, hair sticking up at every angle, dark stubble, one eyebrow raised in a question.
There must have been something on my face because I saw my own fear reflected back in his as he rushed across the room and crouched down next to the sofa. Tears had already started spilling out of my eyes as I listened to my Grandad’s choked sign-off.
Luke didn’t say anything as I lowered the phone, as I whispered, ‘Grandma.’ He knelt on the carpet and folded me into a hug, his whole body reeking of beer, cigarette smoke and Luke. He was reassuringly warm from our bed, his arms clamped around me tightly, his thumb rubbing my lower back. My body was shaking in his arms, his T-shirt already damp from my tears.
‘Hey,’ he whispered. ‘Hey, it’s going to be all right. I love you. It’s going to be all right.’
My eyes were squeezed shut, his words mixed up between all the thoughts and memories in my head, the shifting world, the things I had to do that day, my grandad. For a crazy second I wondered if I was dreaming. I heard the crunch of paper as I realised Luke was kneeling on the notes I had been working on.
I pulled back suddenly. ‘I better get up; I need to finish this.’
Luke’s face was slow to comprehend as he noticed the papers I was rescuing. He shifted his position on the carpet.
‘You’re crushing them.’ My voice sounded different: higher.
He pulled one of the pieces of paper out from under his knee and smoothed it down, then started stacking the stray papers.
‘Don’t, you’ll get them mixed up. I’ll do it,’ I said, dropping to join him on the carpet.
‘Here.’ He handed me his pile and stood up. ‘Do you want me to get you a cup of coffee? Do you want to talk about it?’
‘I . . . ’ I was still kneeling on the carpet, my head awash with emotion. I could barely make out what he was saying. I had to get going, get up. I bit my lip, absentmindedly shuffling papers.
‘I need to ring Grandad . . . ’
‘OK, I’ll make you coffee.’
I caught sight of a note I had highlighted on the top sheet of paper. ‘I should get ready for work . . . ’
Luke paused on the way to the kitchen.
‘I’ll ring Grandad, then I need to work.’ I was talking to myself, my brain going nineteen to the dozen. ‘I can’t believe . . . ’ I tailed away, the thought of Grandma’s face making my eyes swim.
Luke turned back around. ‘You shouldn’t have to work, Lottie.’
I didn’t register his words, still lost somewhere else. ‘I’ll ring Grandad, no, I’ll have a shower. Oh God, I was meant to be seeing Amy tonight, bridesmaid stuff, she wanted me to—’
Luke came back over to me, gently removing the papers from my hand. I looked up at him then, my eyes still watery so that his face was blurred.
‘Hey,’ he said. ‘You take a shower. I’ll make the coffee and I’ll message Amy to postpone. She’ll understand and then you can call your grandad back.’
I nodded at him slowly, relieved he was taking control. I could feel my heartbeat slow a fraction as I stared at his stubbled chin, his lips moving with the words.
Standing under the shower, letting the water pound at my skull, I closed my eyes, not sure if it was tears or water running down my face. My lovely grandma. What would Grandad do now? We had known this day wasn’t far away but it was a shock that it had happened, that she was no longer here. I swallowed, reaching for the shampoo and squeezing it into my hand. What had I said to her last? I had been round there last week. I had sat and read to her from her book. Only Chapter Six.
I didn’t want to think about that now. I couldn’t. I had to get through the day. I started to run through all the things I had to do, rubbing furiously at my hair.
I needed to finish reading the court documents, remind myself of the details of the trial, get to the courthouse in