Ghost (Boston Underworld #3) - A. Zavarelli Page 0,35

go back to her chair, but I stop her.

“I want to look at something on the computer.”

She hesitates, checking the door again. Not that it matters. Alexei has cameras in every room of the house, I believe. I’m sure he can see what I’m doing any time he wishes to. But the whole point of avoidance is not to, so I doubt he’s doing so now.

“Only for a few minutes,” she says. “And then I must return you to your binds.”

Magda frees my hands and sets up the computer for me. She has to help me get to the web browser since I’ve never used this type before. Once she’s given me a brief explanation, she gives me the privacy I desire by going back to her chair.

My fingers are shaking as I peck at the keys. My stomach is churning, and my throat tight.

M-A-C-K-E-N-Z-I-E

W-I-L-D-E-R

I don’t expect much. I don’t expect anything at all. She doesn’t have facebook. But she does have an email. One I don’t have any intention of using. I just want to see her. I just want something.

We have so much history together. For as long as I can remember, Mack has been at my side. She was the first person to see past the walls I’d erected around myself. She befriended me in foster care and then took it upon herself to look out for me.

And when we got separated and she discovered what my new foster dad was doing, she came to my rescue. She left her warm bed and a comfortable home to live on the streets with me. So that we could be together. And she taught me everything I know about being tough.

We don’t have to be blood because we are sisters. No matter what anyone says. The only warmth I’ve ever felt in my heart has been for her. She’s the toughest, craziest bitch I know and I love her.

I miss her.

I miss her so much the thought of never seeing her again makes me sick. But how can I?

How can I face her like this?

When she was right about everything. She was right to believe that there are monsters in everyone. I can’t even imagine what my disappearance must have done to her. How much it would have hurt her. And it isn’t fair to go back now when I’m still in pieces. When I can’t even promise her that I want to live to see another day.

None of that would be fair to her.

So I tell myself as I scroll through the results that I am only seeking validation for those thoughts. That she is happy now. That’s all I need to know, and then it will be okay. No matter how much misery lives inside of me, as long as she is happy, it will be okay.

But what I find hurts more than I expect it to. And it’s also the thing I wanted most. For her to move on with her life. Forget I ever existed or dragged her down with the problems she couldn’t fix for me but desperately wanted to.

It’s her name, on a wedding registry. Mackenzie Wilder and Lachlan Crow.

The name is not unfamiliar. He is my old boss. The man who ran the club I worked at when Dmitri locked me in his sights. I was an easy target.

I always have been.

That’s the dangerous thing about hope and want. Believing that this one might be different. That this one might not hurt you too. Other people have happy endings. But I never will. I was never born to.

Mack is different. She deserves her happy ending. But I can’t understand it. Why him? Why Lachlan? And how?

I know the answers. Deep down, I know she went looking for me.

And she found him instead.

There are no photos of them. I want to see her face. But I know it’s asking too much. My fragile mind can’t handle that. I would want to see her and believe that somehow it would be okay.

That can’t happen.

She can’t ever see me like this. What I’ve become. She will still try to fix me. And I can’t be fixed.

It’s better this way.

Magda looks up at me, and I realize I’ve said the words aloud.

“It’s better,” I repeat. “I’m happy for her.”

I tell myself those same things over and over as I shut the computer. And it’s true.

So I don’t know why it feels like I’m dying inside.

19

Talia

When Alexei comes to see me again, any reminder of what happened