Bale nods. ‘OK, Cas. Go to finance and work out a budget.’
I want to punch the air. He senses it. ‘Hey, don’t get carried away. I’m not a millionaire.’
That’s another one of Bale’s relentless lies. But I don’t care. I’ve got a programme and it’s a winner!
4
‘Josh, hi, it’s me. Guess what? Bale went for it! The infidelity with an ex show.’
‘And I’m supposed to think that’s a good thing.’
‘Oh, come on, Josh.’ It’s not like him to be down on me. ‘I’m back on top.’
‘Which is where you most like to be.’ Josh laughs, despite himself.
‘Both literally and metaphorically,’ I add cheekily.
‘Are you flirting with me, Cas?’ Josh asks, but not seriously.
‘I’d be flirting if it was anyone but you,’ I assure him.
‘Cold comfort.’
‘We’re going to call it Sex with an Ex. What do you think?’
‘I’m trying not to think about it.’
I sigh, disappointed by his lack of enthusiasm. ‘Look, I’ve got to ring off – there’s so much to do. I just wanted to tell you my good news. After all, you more or less gave me the idea.’
‘Oh, horrible thought. Bye now.’
I put the phone down and do my best to push Josh’s reserved response to the back of my mind. Instead I focus on the fact that Bale is as grateful as I could hope. He has offered to pay me a bonus related to the ratings we secure. I’m likely to make a killing. My success has duly subdued Fi and I have decided to be magnanimous. I don’t trust her, but practically speaking she is my assistant and I need her to be closely involved in this project – there is so much to do.
We start with the advert.
Are you about to get married? Do you trust your affianced 100 per cent? Is there an ex in his or her past who could still affect your future? Please write in complete confidentiality to P.O. Box…
Such a simple call to action.
‘Will it work?’ asks Fi.
‘If I know anything about human nature, this will work.’
‘Where should we place the ad?’
‘Initially in the sad, loser magazines, Gas and Gos.’ I throw a couple of mags over to her. I respect Fi enough not to expect her to be familiar with them. She picks up the mags and begins to flick through them.
‘My God, these are obscene. Don’t these people have any self-respect?’
I don’t look up from my budget sheets. ‘No.’
She starts to read the contents page. ‘“I Had Sex with 100 Men in Three Years”, “I had a Threesome with my Mate and his Girlfriend”, “The Crotchless Knickers are by the Booby Drops – Working in a Sex Shop”, “We’re Sex-perts – Women Who Really Rate Themselves in Bed”!’
‘It’s ideal,’ I interrupt. ‘The readers are willing to bare their souls and their bodies for a measly fiver and a couple of column inches on the letters page. These people are looking for platforms. They’re a gift. However, Fi, I don’t want to be another Jerry Springer. I don’t simply want the oddballs of this world. We are going to have to think of an extremely clever incentive to attract normal people.’
Fi groans. ‘But it will be easier to get horrid people on the show. They have no self-awareness and also they’ve had fewer opportunities.’
I glare at her. Easy (unless relating to my sexual morals) is not a word I like in my vocabulary. I know that the success of the show will lie in whether I can make the average viewer feel uncomfortable. There are zillions of fly-on-the-wall and chat show programmes where the guests are modern-day ghouls. Normally the viewer sits back, cushy on their chintz. They comment that the characters on talk shows are priceless, pure escapism. Chat shows do a public service: people watch and thank God that their own lives are better than these are. I want Sex with an Ex to be a different sort of show. I want cosy couples to stiffen in each other’s company. I want them to struggle for conversation in the ad break. I want them to move apart a fraction and doubt each other. This show is their lives, whatever class, age, race or religion they are.
‘So who do you want to attract?’
‘Joe and Joanne public. The people we trust. Policemen, nurses, librarians, teachers, the guys at Carphone Warehouse.’ Fi eyes me sceptically.
Eventually we agree to place the advert on the TV6 web page and the internal electronic noticeboard,