if he’d shown up. I had my knife out. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted to make him pay.”
“At least…it helps some, knowing what he did to you. Maybe he deserved it. Still makes me sick to think about it, though.”
“I know,” Robin murmured. “I’m sorry.”
“So how do you like it? You’ve been making love with a murderer.”
She gently rubbed his legs. Her throat was tight with sorrow for him. “It sounds like it was an accident.”
“Well, it was an accident. He was too heavy for the safety bar. But we set it up, you know? He was up there because of us. Everybody wants to say it was an accident, but we did it to the guy. He was a troll, and we nailed him. Most of the others seemed pretty happy that he fell. I’m sure Tanya was overjoyed. She’s been out for their blood ever since we got into this Billy Goat Gruff thing. And she’s been getting a lot worse lately.”
“The girl at the stop sign?” Robin asked.
“Yeah. She’s been losing it, you know? I can’t really blame her. Some trolls messed her up really bad—cut her up, raped her, all kinds of stuff. So, you know, it’s not surprising that she hates trolls. I do too, for what they did to her. She used to be…innocent, happy. She was never mean to anyone.”
“You loved her, didn’t you?” Robin asked.
He hesitated. He put his hands on her shoulders. “I used to love Tanya. Before the trolls got her. They killed the part of Tanya that I loved.”
“I’m sorry,” Robin whispered.
“Now she’s just full of hate. All she cares about is nailing trolls.” He shook his head. “We got so much revenge for her. She’s had a feast of it, but she keeps wanting more. Her appetite’s been getting worse and worse. Now that she’s actually killed one…I hate to think what they’ll do to the next troll they catch. But at least I won’t be part of it. I only wish I’d quit sooner. Before it came to killing. But I didn’t. Now I’m a murderer.” His hands moved up and gently caressed the sides of Robin’s head. “I have to live with it,” he said. “And I guess I had to tell you. Better to lose you now than later.”
“You haven’t lost me,” she said.
“Weren’t you listening? I’m—”
“I killed a man once.”
“No.” Nate’s fingers tightened on the sides of her head.
“Yes. I think I did, anyway. I try to tell myself he might’ve lived. Every day, I try to tell myself that. But I don’t really believe it. My knife’s big, and I shoved it right into the middle of his chest. Maybe he didn’t die. He probably did, though.”
Groaning, Nate drew her forward. Robin climbed onto him and straddled his lap. He slipped his arms around her and held her tightly. “Aw, Jesus,” he murmured close to her ear. “Robin, Robin.”
“He attacked me,” she said. Voice cracking, she added, “Doesn’t make it any better, though.”
“Aw…aw. God, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“We’re a hell of a pair, huh?”
His body began to shake against her. He was crying. Holding her tight and jerking with sobs, his breath hitching. Robin cried too.
Caressed by the hot throbbing water, they hugged one another and wept.
Thirty-eight
At eleven o’clock Jeremy’s mother set her book aside and started to watch the television news.
“I guess I’ll go on to bed,” Jeremy said.
She looked surprised. “What about Saturday Night Live?”
“Not on,” he reminded her. “And its summer replacement stinks. Besides, I’m really tired.”
She arched her eyebrow. “I can’t imagine why, getting home in the middle of the night.”
“Yeah.” He kissed her, told her good night, and went to his bedroom. With his door shut, he gathered the clothes he would wear later. He slipped his Swiss Army knife into a front pocket of his corduroy pants. From the bottom drawer of his desk he took Tanya’s razor blade. Keep this with you to remember, she’d said. It was still wrapped in his handkerchief. The white cloth was smeared and blotched with dried brown blood.
He unwrapped the blade and looked at it. Memories of last night rushed in, seizing him with fear and desire.
Who needs the razor as a reminder? he thought. Who’s going to forget that?
But Tanya had asked him to keep the razor with him.
He wound the handkerchief around the blade and tucked it into a pocket of his cords.
Then he rolled up his clothes and pushed the bundle under his bed.