crush as a kid was on Sam Winchester. It’s easy with you, for some reason.”
“I feel the same about you.”
“Cool. Anyway. Um, should we watch the movie?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
He sits down on his bed, propped up against the headrest. I think he’d be cool with me joining him on the bed, but I don’t want to assume anything, so I wheel his desk chair over to the side of the bed.
I don’t know exactly what we’re doing.
I sit down on the chair.
He watches me. I think he’s going to say something, but then he turns away, and scrolls through the apps on the TV. He loads Netflix, then searches for Mulholland Drive and finds it.
“Do you like horror, by the way?” I ask.
“Yeah. They freak me out, though. I think it’s because, like, I sort of believe in that stuff. Like, I totally think ghosts and stuff could be real. That might be dumb.”
It’s not. It’s really cute.
“It’s not dumb. I sort of believe in it, too. I’m, like, paranormal agnostic.”
“Dude, that’s the perfect description! I’m exactly the same! Like, I’m not totally convinced that they’re real, but like, I think there’s a chance. Enough to get scared by a horror movie, anyway.”
I love it when he gets like this. All hyper and excited.
It’s so. Damn. Precious.
We smile at each other.
Again, I feel overwhelmed by how cool I think he is. I fall back to that mental image, of us, in sweats, just hanging out together. I don’t know why I like that picture so much, but I do. Us, as boyfriends.
Naomi was right.
It would be really cute.
“Is this going to scare me?” he asks.
“Probably.”
He lifts the remote, and then lowers it. He tilts his head toward me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Yeah?”
“Is there a reason you aren’t on the bed?”
“Oh, I just thought…”
“Thought what?”
“I didn’t want to assume.”
“Well, you’re totally welcome to join me. Sitting there is cool, too, if you want to. No pressure.”
I move to the bed.
“Much better,” he says.
He scoots across as I start unlacing my shoes. I kick them off, and then put my legs onto the bed. He’s watching me, smiling.
“What?” I ask.
“Nothing.”
I think he wants me to lean forward and kiss him. The twinkle in his eyes makes me think that’s what he wants. I take him in. Perfect hair, broad shoulders, and soft-looking lips. Military boy par excellence. He hasn’t shaved today, so there’s a slight shadow on his cheeks.
Kissing him would be unbeatable.
But what if I’m wrong?
What if I make a move, and he doesn’t want me to, and then things between us become so awkward that we never talk to each other again?
Plus, he’s a Donovan. I really shouldn’t kiss him.
Instead, I just lean against the headrest, keeping a comfortable distance between us.
“Do you want more pillows or something?” he asks.
I adjust the pillow behind me so it’s a proper backrest.
“I’m good. Thanks, though.”
“Cool.”
He starts the movie.
And here I am.
Sitting in a bed. With a Donovan.
I wonder if we’re going to have sex.
I can’t even believe I’m actually thinking that. I mean, it wasn’t that long ago that I hadn’t even been kissed, and now I’m thinking about sex? If it were any other guy, I think I’d be nervous. But with Jason, I think I could handle it. I wonder what position he’d prefer. I’ve always felt like I’d like both, although I get a vibe that Jason is more of a …
Okay.
I need to stop thinking about this.
I focus on the movie. Luckily, it’s a pretty fantastic distraction, because it’s so weird and dark and I love it so much.
I’m still thinking about it, though. I’ve never done it before, but I don’t think I have any hang-ups about it. It’s never seemed like that big of a deal to me. So I’d probably try it if he suggested it, as long as we were safe. Either position, I don’t care. Or something else; I know that kind of sex takes prep work. But I have condoms in my bag, so like, we could totally do it.
I wonder if he’s a virgin, too.
I have no idea. I don’t like to assume this sort of thing.
Anyway, it doesn’t matter. This is just a fantasy.
I start to feel a little brave. I tilt my foot across and touch his foot.
“Finally,” he says, and he leans across to kiss me.
I pull back.
“What?” he says.
I’m thinking about Dad. About how I frustrate him. And I think my doing stuff like this is part of the