will they hadn’t had a meaningful conversation and she felt stupidly scared of sitting in a café with her, of ordering watery quiche and attempting to introduce the real things, the state of her marriage, the hole left by Eve, her fear that she lived her life on the inside, ruled by the fantasy that someone out there knew her, held her true self.
‘Any good?’ Ruth asked.
‘Not really, just smaller versions of the sculptures, maquettes, models.’
Ruth was halfway to the shop. Dorothy tugged at her sleeve. ‘No, don’t, Andy’s girlfriend might be there.’
‘I’m sorry?’
‘She’s not really his girlfriend. I don’t know. Just this local arty type, she’s everywhere.’
‘But not his girlfriend.’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Can’t you ask him?’
The door was locked; a sign read Open After 12.
‘I heard him last night, having a rant to you about the art world. “Gate-keepers”. You know,’ Dorothy said, ‘it’s funny that all that time ago I thought Andrew was so different from our father. And now he’s kind of becoming him. Ruth –’ quickly before they reached the car, before the outing tapered to a close. ‘Hank said something about Dad, and I just wondered. What he meant?’
Her sister frowned. ‘What did he say?’
‘Nothing, but – was there . . .’ It was stupid to feel of all emotions embarrassed in this moment, that she should already know, was exposing her ignorance, but she did. ‘Was there some thing about Dad?’
Ruth was very still, squinting in the late-morning light. ‘You know he liked men, don’t you.’
‘Men?’ Dorothy blinked. The word hopped the boundary of her known world. ‘Dad was gay?’
‘Yeah, I guess you could say that. I thought.’ Ruth shrugged. ‘I mean obviously he wasn’t out, but Mom knew, and some of their friends, it was a kind of side thing, but, you know – why did you think he left New York?’
‘I don’t know. I thought. Money. But what about Mum?’
‘Well, she loved him. And they had us, and you know, they wanted to stay married.’
‘Jesus.’ The morning really was extremely bright. Dazzled, she fished in her bag for her sunglasses, wiped them free of dust and put them on, the ordinary movements happening at a distance. ‘How did you find out?’
‘Mom told me.’
She felt made of raffia, like she might float away in the sun. ‘Is that why they left here, as well?’
‘I don’t know – there was that inheritance, remember – but it wouldn’t surprise me. If there was someone Mom wanted to get him away from. She kept a damn close eye on him when we were back here for Eve, despite her beautiful Valium haze.’
Dorothy had never imagined Ruth talking about their parents like this. She felt so grateful suddenly, that Ruth had been able to live alongside them, be a daughter. ‘But what about in the States, all those years, I mean you don’t just relocate to change who you are. Surely there’s always going to be someone.’
‘I never met anyone. I think there were a few times Mom got jealous. But it was mostly only sex. At least, that was their story.’
‘God. It’s like seeing him as a person.’
‘Yeah, I thought you knew.’
How odd that Eve never would. Dot felt a tug inside, the need to share it with her older sister, hear her incredulous voice on the end of the phone. ‘Poor Dad,’ she said. ‘Not able to just be himself.’
‘Yeah.’ Ruth looked away, into the wooded part of the garden, where the walkway stretched under the canopy they had just emerged from. ‘But I kind of think it was him, to have the two lives. Or it became him. He wasn’t unhappy.’
The sisters walked to the gravelled parking bay, Dorothy still weightless, two-dimensional, held in place by Ruth’s arm around her waist. Hers was the only car. She came round to unlock the passenger door, and pushed the sunglasses up onto her forehead. Up close you could see the reassuring wrinkles in Ruth’s face. ‘What about Daniel?’ she said. ‘How is he, where did you see him?’
‘Yeah, about a year ago. Barcelona? We had dinner. He seemed well. Had a nice girlfriend. Think she was an architect.’
‘I stole his photo from Hank’s portfolio.’
‘Yeah. He told me.’
‘Does he want it back? I should pay him for it.’
‘Don’t worry.’
As she passed the front bonnet towards the driver’s door Dorothy said, ‘Now you know all my secrets.’
‘Oh, I’m sure that’s not true.’ Ruth slid into her car seat and jumped up again, stung by the hot vinyl.