I passed by, and when I reached the one I was looking for, I passed by eight graves before I came to a stop. I turned to face forward but kept my eyes on my shoes for a long time before I found my voice.
“Hey, baby,” I whispered, using the nickname my sister had claimed to hate but I knew she’d secretly loved. I crouched down, cleared my throat and clasped my hands together. “I bet my ugly mug isn’t one ye were expectin’ to see today, huh?”
I gnawed on my lower lip, took a few steady breaths and forced myself to look up. I had to touch my hand to the ground to keep myself from falling on to my arse. Just being here felt like I’d taken a hundred punches to the gut.
“I’m sorry . . . I’m sorry I haven’t been by since your first day here, baby, but I . . . I guess I’ve been scared to come and see ye. Comin’ here made things feel permanent, and I didn’t want this to be permanent.”
The wind answered me with a low whistle, as a gust of dead leaves blew by my face.
“In me head I’ve been pretendin’ that nothin’ has happened to ye, that you’re just on holiday or really busy with uni and work. When that hasn’t worked I’ve been tryin’ me hardest not to think of ye at all, and I’m so sorry about that, baby.”
The backs of my eyes burned, but tears didn’t fall.
“I really miss ye, Bailey,” I said, my voice cracking as I exhaled a deep breath. “I miss ye so much, ye annoyin’ little shite.”
I stared at the oak cross with the tiny, polished gold plaque in the centre until I felt my chest burning with pain.
In loving memory of
Bailey McKenna
08.01.1998 – 19.03.2020
The little dash between her birth and death years didn’t look like much, but that small line was her whole entire life. It represented everything about her. Everything she ever thought, said or did. Every smile, laugh, and tear she shed. It was all in that tiny black dash. It was my little sister, my Bailey.
As I stared at her name, I thought back to the time of her first heartbreak, when she was just sixteen and felt like her whole world was ending. It was the first of many puppy-love heartbreaks, and one I would always remember.
“Elliot!”
I jumped when the door of my bedroom opened and slammed against the wall. I had the day off after working four days straight. I’d just come off a night shift, but my sister didn’t seem to care about that. With a groan, I buried my head in my pillow.
“Bails, I told ye I’d be sleepin’ today—”
When sniffles reached my ears, I cut myself off and jumped out of my bed so fast I almost gave myself whiplash. I was in front of my sister with my hands on her shoulders within seconds. When I saw her eyes were swollen and red-rimmed from crying, my gut churned and my jaw clenched.
“Did someone hurt ye?”
If she said yes, I didn’t know exactly what I was going to do, but whatever it was would likely get me arrested.
“Toby,” she cried. “He cheated on me!”
Her words were spoken on a sob, but I heard her. As she wrapped her arms around my waist and placed her head against my chest, I couldn’t help but feel a little relief. I could handle heartache, but someone physically hurting her was a whole other playing field.
I hugged her body to mine and kissed the crown of her head. She cried and cried until I found myself worrying that she would dehydrate herself. I never knew it was possible for someone to have so many tears inside them.
After ten minutes, I spoke.
“I know you’re hurtin’,” I said gently, trying to choose my words carefully. “And nothin’ is gonna make ye feel better right now, but I want you to remember that this boy is not worth your tears – or a second of your time, for that matter.”
Bailey’s sobs had reduced to sniffles as she nodded against my chest, letting me know she was listening to me.
“You did nothin’ wrong either,” I continued. “He’s just a stupid boy who didn’t realise he had himself a whole queen in you.”
I smiled when Bailey snorted. She always found it amusing when I used terms that she and her friends did.
“I feel stupid,” she exhaled. “Me friends told me he