adventures was going to be cut short. And I thought that I at least deserved my fairy-tale wedding with my handsome prince. I deserved it…right?
I didn’t marry you because I was dying. You know that. I loved you with all my heart, and that was enough for me, even knowing you didn’t feel the same.
As I lie here, writing this, a huge sense of remorse has come over me. I can tell I don’t have long in this world, but hopefully, you do. And what have I done to you? You walk around this house, waiting on me, taking care of me, loving me. You smile when you see me, but the joy has left your eyes. You are putting on a show, and I know it. I know what this disease has done, what I have done to you. I have transformed the sexy, confident man I married into a shell of a man, void of feelings and hope.
I can only imagine what you must be going through, and I wish I could tell you that I would change my actions if I could, but that isn’t true. You have given me so much in this limited time we’ve had. I’m sorry that it has cost you so much of yourself in the process. I know I am selfish, but if a dying woman can’t be selfish, who can?
I love you, Jax Porter. I love you with all my heart. When I take my dying breath, I will be loving you.
But know this…once I am gone, you need to move on with your life and get back on the path you were on before me. I hope Lily is there with you right now, and I hope the two of you are blissfully happy. You deserve all the happiness this world has to offer. You are a good man, Jax—the best.
I hope you are not wasting a second of your life mourning me. If you are, stop. Stop right now. You do not get to wallow in sadness over me because you were the greatest gift I could have ever hoped for. I could never thank you enough for being my shining light on these last dark days.
Go out and find your true happiness, Jax, because you gave me mine.
I love you always.
Stella
P.S. Please tell Lily how sorry I am. I hope she can forgive me someday.
Tears course down my face, and I lie back against my pillow. Buddha lies next to me, purring happily as he sleeps.
I read the letter again and again, absorbing every word. My eyelids grow heavy. The last thing I feel before exhaustion pulls me under is a sense of relief.
It’s been two weeks since I found Stella’s letter, and I’ve read it five hundred and seventy four times. That might be a slight exaggeration, but I’ve read it a lot, too many times to count.
Stella knew me, really knew me. Not too many people do, but I’m so grateful that she did. She knew that I would have a hard time moving on. She knew that I would crave her permission to let her go. I still can’t wrap my mind around the enormity of the past several years.
In the past three years, I’ve lost the love of my life. I’ve married another, only to lose her, too. I’ve broken hearts, including my own. I’ve lived with pain, regret, and too much hope for something that was never to be.
They say that everything happens for a reason. But I don’t know if I believe that anymore. In what world is losing a wonderful person like Stella meant to be? In what universe is there a greater purpose for her death? Maybe I’m still too bitter, my wounds too fresh.
Stella spread more kindness in her twenty-three years of life than most people do in the entirety of theirs. I guess it’d be impossible to know how her acts of kindness altered other people’s life trajectories for the better. Yet I have no doubt that she did.
She will forever have an impact on my life.
Looking back, I was a dipshit, plain and simple. I was so stressed over everything, and in reality, none of it mattered. I lost my soul mate because of my false priorities. Even though I was already starting to realize my mistakes, Stella helped me truly see what was important.
If there is anything that is guaranteed in this life, it is that nothing is. We have today. That’s all. We have