She takes a step toward me but doesn’t reach for me again. “I want to be here for you. You’ve been in pain for so long. I can’t even imagine what it felt like to lose us and then know that you were going to lose Stella. You’ve been living in misery. Let me be here for you. Let me help you. If you’re not ready for more than a friendship, then I will promise you a friend is all I will be. I just don’t want you to go through this alone.”
I sigh. “Come here.”
I take Lily’s hand, pulling her into the living room. We sit on the couch, facing each other.
I begin to speak, my voice weak, exhausted, “You don’t understand what guilt does to me.” My eyes burn with unshed tears. “You were always it, Lil—the one. Growing up, you were always mine. Then, life got away from us. You weren’t mine anymore, and I couldn’t get you back. So, I moved on and started dating Stella, but my love for you remained. Of course I loved Stella, but I knew she wasn’t you, and deep down, I always wanted her to be. And now that she’s not here and I finally get to have you…instead of relief or joy, I feel devastating guilt. I feel guilty that I get to love you, and now, even more so because you want me, and a part of me doesn’t feel I deserve it. Am I disgracing her? Am I saying that what we had was nothing? I feel that I am, and I never want to do that. She deserves better.”
“But—” Lily begins to protest.
I place my pointer finger over her lips, halting her argument.
“Don’t, Lil. I know what you’re going to say. I know it all, but it doesn’t make it sit right with me. The truth is that Stella chose me, and right now, I’m not feeling very deserving of her love. She deserves more. What that entails…I’m not too sure. The only thing I’m sure of is that I can’t figure it out when you’re here. I can’t think straight when you are near me. I don’t want to hurt you, but I really need you to go.”
She lets her head fall, her chin resting against her chest, and I watch her shoulders rise as she takes in air.
She raises her head, meeting my gaze. “Okay. I’ll go. I understand. I’m leaving to go back to New York in a few days. Can I stop by before I go?”
“I’m sorry, Lil.” I shake my head. “I can’t.”
“Okay.” She stands, resigned. “Can you take me to my car, or should I call a cab?”
“Of course, I’ll take you.”
I’m dreading doing the drive of shame in Stella’s car. It’s like a gigantic fuck you from the universe…reminding me of all I’ve done wrong. I still can’t wrap my head around everything I’m feeling, and I probably won’t be able to for a while. I just know I feel like shit.
“So, I guess our ship is no longer stranded in the ocean,” Lily says quietly to herself as we enter Stella’s car.
The ship might have hit land, but I have no idea where to go from here.
I hear the knocking on the door. It is incessant, a constant nagging. I’ve heard it several times every day over the past week. I ignore it every time.
The time for niceties is over. At Stella’s memorial, I put on a smile, hugging and comforting every freaking person who wanted to tell me how much they loved Stella, how sorry they were, how they would be here for me if I needed anything.
You know what? They can all go fuck themselves. Every last fucking one of them.
Screw them all.
I’m not hugging another person. I don’t care about their loss. I don’t care how much they loved Stella. Who didn’t love her? Do they think they’re fucking special? Because they’re not. If there were someone out there who had met Stella and didn’t love her, if someone were happy she was gone…that person would be unique. That person would have something to say that I haven’t heard before. All the others are just spouting the same stream of shit that I’ve heard over and over. And I’m sick of it.
The knocking on the door stops, and the doorbell no longer chimes.
Thank God. Whoever it was finally went away. Good.