“Hey, Little. How are you?” He sounds nervous, unlike himself. His voice is off. It always is now.
I can’t figure out what it is, but it seems like he isn’t telling me something.
“I’m good. How are you?”
“Really good. Hey, I won’t keep you long, but I just wanted you to know that Stella was going to send you an email with some questions about times and locations.”
“Yeah, I know. She already sent it.”
“Of course she did.” He chuckles quietly to himself. “She’s taking this planning stuff very seriously.”
“Well, being organized isn’t a bad thing,” I reply. “I haven’t responded yet. Work has been crazy today. I’ll write her back tonight.”
“Oh, that’s fine. I guess I was also calling to make sure that you’re still okay with this.”
“Of course I am. I wouldn’t have offered if I didn’t want to do it, Jax.”
He sighs, “I know. I just worry about you.”
“Well, that isn’t necessary. I’m fine.”
“Promise?” His voice sounds sad. “It’s not too late to back out. We would totally understand.”
I close my eyes, absorbing the word we. It hurts, but I have to accept it. It’s the only option I have.
I open my eyes and exhale. “Jax, I want to do this for you. I’ve told you that. It’s my gift to you. I will capture some stunning shots.”
“I have no doubt about that, Little. Of course you will. It’s not about that. I’m worried about you. I can’t let you do this if I think it’s going to cause you pain.”
“It won’t. I’m good. I promise,” I offer with the cheeriest voice I can muster.
“Fine, but please tell me if you change your mind. Even if it’s the day before the wedding, we will find someone else.”
“I will tell you, but I won’t change my mind.”
“Okay.” He expels a deep breath, and the light hum of air coming across the phone sounds so sad for some reason.
“Jax?” I ask.
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
He doesn’t answer immediately, but he eventually says, “Yeah, I’m okay.”
“Are you sure? You know you can talk to me about anything. I’m a good listener.”
“I know. Thank you. I’m great,” he lies.
I’ve known Jax my whole life. I can hear the lie in his voice. I’ve always been able to pick up the slightest variance in his tone when he’s not telling the truth to others. This is the first time I can remember him lying to me. I decide to let it go. I can’t make him tell me.
“All right…if you say so. If you ever need someone to talk to, you know I’m here.”
“I do. Thanks, Little.”
“I miss you, Jax.” There is so much more I want to say, but it wouldn’t be appropriate to say to an engaged man. I don’t know if telling him that I miss him would be deemed as suitable either, but it’s okay to miss a friend.
“Miss you more,” he says softly. “Bye.”
“Bye,” I whisper.
The line goes silent.
I love you more.
“Lily!” Charlie’s voice breaks my trance.
I realize I’m staring at my phone while tears are falling from my face.
“Lily, are you okay? What’s going on?”
I look at her. She’s sitting next to me, her hand resting on my arm. She’s staring at me with a measure of apprehension and pity.
“Oh, he just wanted to tell me some wedding stuff.” I sniffle. I lean forward and grab some tissues from the box on the table.
“Lil…” There is sadness in Charlie’s voice. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine. It’s still hard, you know?” I wipe my eyes and take a few fortifying breaths.
Charlie raises her voice as she says, “Why are you doing this to yourself? I know we’ve discussed this to the point of insanity, but I still don’t get it. Why? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Maybe not to you. He’s my Jax, Charlie. I have to be there for him,” I say, pleading for her to understand.
I honestly don’t know what I was thinking when I contacted Jax and asked him if I could be the photographer at his wedding. I did a few weddings over the summer and one last weekend here in New York. I’ve been photographing events on the weekends for a while. I’m good at it. I’m terrified to shoot Jax’s, but at the same time, I feel as if I need to, so I can show him that I’ll support him always, no matter what.
“Lily? Did you hear me?”
“Um…no. Sorry. I was thinking.”
“Isn’t it weird, talking with Stella?” she questions.