in the clear. I can say that I’ve put it all on the table. I’ve given everything to accomplish my goals. The team had a winning season, and I’ll be graduating summa cum laude the first weekend in May.
The relief flooding me is all encompassing, extinguishing the fire I’ve been under for several years now. I can finally breathe. I’ve made it.
Now, I can put Lily first on my priority list, where she belongs. I wasn’t able to come home prior to today because of the team’s practice schedule as we’ve been preparing for our final game. What I need to say to Lily has to be said in person, but the wait has been killer.
I got a text from her older sister, Amy, today. Amy and Landon are good friends and hang out often, considering they also live in the Ann Arbor area. Amy wanted to give me a heads-up that Trenton Fuckface Troy will be at dinner tonight and that he and Lily will be leaving for Fiji the day after Christmas. This information puts a damper on my plans, but I’m still confident that everything will work out. I just have to get Lily alone at some point tonight.
She’s mine. She always has been, and she always will be. Some things were put into motion a long time ago, and those bonds are solid. There is no amount of time or circumstance that can alter the path of what is meant to be.
She’s my forever, and I’m going to get her back tonight.
Well…holy shit.
I’m driving back to Ann Arbor, and Lily’s at the airport or already in the air, heading toward a dream vacation with an asshole. She chose him. She chose that egotistical douche face. I still can’t believe it. I can’t accept that this is my reality. It doesn’t make sense. It’s not right.
On Christmas Eve, I left her house, broken. I’d put everything out there. I’d all but begged for her back.
I’d explained.
I’d apologized.
I’d groveled.
She’d resisted.
Man, I never knew what a stubborn little thing she could be. She sure has grown up over the past couple of years. She is more beautiful to me than ever before. I love this new Lily. She’s self-assured and confident. I’d love this Lily more if she were mine, and that thought brings me back to reality.
She’s not mine.
She didn’t choose me.
I was optimistic that she would take in everything I’d said and come to her senses. Yesterday, I was sure that I would hear from her, but I didn’t. It was the first Christmas that I ever spent without contact from her. It sucked.
I’d basically given Lily an ultimatum. I’d left her with the impression that she had to choose me in every way or have me in no way. It kills me that I’d left it like that—all or nothing. At the time when I’d said it, I hadn’t really been thinking clearly. I had just put it all on the line, telling her everything I wanted and needed. I’d tried to get her to realize that the only scenario that made sense was the one where she and I were together, like we used to be. When she’d turned me down, when she’d chosen him, it’d crushed me. I’d lost my ability to think clearly. My calculating reason had flown out the window and been taken over by raw emotion.
Perhaps I should have said it differently, but I don’t want to take it back because it’s true. I can’t have a relationship with Lily right now when she is with him. If we were to be friends, it would be a constant reminder that the love of my life chose another over me. I can’t play second fiddle to that douche-bag boyfriend of hers. I can’t be her friend, knowing that she is going home to him. That arrangement would crush me, eventually leaving me with nothing. I know my limitations, and I know I wouldn’t survive that.
So, did I think that she would mull over what I’d said, change her mind, and choose me? Yeah, part of me truly did. Because I would choose her every fucking time.
Maybe my choices in the past had been made with a warped frame of reference, a skewed viewpoint. But I always thought I was putting her first. I’d thought I was doing what was right by her.
She’s all that has ever mattered. I just can’t wrap my mind around the fact that my commitments are done, and