be fine. I’m heading back to school early, so I can quiz you if you want. Sitting down to watch a movie with Lily. TTYL.
I put my phone in my pocket and turn back to the sofa. Lily is watching me with a strange expression on her face. When I catch her gaze, she turns her head. I turn off the lights before opting to sit in our normal spot. I don’t know why she is sitting way over there, at the end of the couch, but it is clear she doesn’t want company. And really, it is probably best for us to sit far apart. After all, I wouldn’t want to lead her on. My mood immediately sours at the thought of my father again, and I shake my head, trying to rid myself of his condescension for just one night.
I play the movie, but I don’t spend a lot of time watching it. Instead, I secretly observe Lily. She is facing the screen, but her eyes aren’t focused. They appear glazed over, as if she is deep in thought. I was hoping that seeing the movie together would be fun. It is something we’ve always enjoyed doing. But she doesn’t even smile at her favorite parts, her face frozen like cold stone.
I’m hoping my earlier behavior didn’t anger her. She must have known I was dying to kiss her. I gave her a quick kiss on the forehead. In terms of kisses, I think that’s pretty friendly. Looking back on it, maybe she was mad that I kissed her at all. She has to know how hard this is for me. She, of all people, would understand because I know it is just as difficult for her.
I know she doesn’t understand my reasons, and therefore, she doesn’t agree. But there is no other way at the moment. I have to focus on school and football right now. She was too much of a distraction—the best distraction imaginable but one nonetheless. It wasn’t fair for her to receive the shreds of time I had left after a grueling day where I only had enough energy for a text.
I have less than two years left to fulfill my father’s dreams for me. I promised myself that I would keep going at this crazy pace until college graduation. I will give my father that, but then I’m done. After I graduate, I’m going to start living my life for me. I’m going to give up ball. I have no plans for the NFL. Professional football players don’t have lives—or at least one I want. I don’t want my days to be dedicated to that damn game anymore. I want to commit my life to Lily. I want to get a job that I enjoy and spend the rest of my life making Lily the happiest wife in the world.
I just pray that she trusts me, that she has trust in us. I hope she believes me when I tell her that this isn’t forever. I know I’m hurting her, but it just can’t be avoided right now. Having to settle for being at the bottom of my list would crush her. At least this way, she can have another year and a half to be carefree and happy, not having to worry about me all the time. Then, when I’m able to, I’m going to give my life to her. She will own me—mind, body, and soul. She just has to be strong enough to wait. She has to have faith in us.
February arrives with a vengeance. We are amid a huge snowstorm, which The Weather Channel has named Storm Vulcan. I find it quite comical that they name big snowstorms. We are getting more than twelve inches tonight, which isn’t that big of a deal. Growing up with Michigan winters, I’ve seen worse. It’s definitely not a storm worthy of a name. It must be a slow news week.
I’m at Stella’s, and she and I are working on a big group project for one of our classes. She’s currently in the kitchen, making me her mom’s famous chicken potpie recipe. She assures me that it will be the best I have ever tasted. I will be the judge of that. She hasn’t tried my mom’s, which is fantastic.
I’m on the phone with Lily. She called a couple of minutes ago, and it was perfect timing because I was in need of a study break. I took the call into Stella’s