Harry – who happens to be walking past – pops his head round the kitchen door.
‘Who’s having something with me?’ he says hopefully.
Jas laughs. ‘Hannah’s ridiculous boyfriend thinks she’s having a secret thing with you – which is ludicrous. No offence, Harry, but I mean, the very idea!’
‘Offence taken.’ He laughs and, grabbing a cup, makes himself a tea.
‘You seem to think this is a bloody joke. It’s like you’re really getting off on it, Jas,’ I say accusingly.
‘Not at all. I just knew there was something about him from what you told me. And there it is – he’s married!’ she announces loudly, and Harry, who isn’t actually that interested, joins in with a whistle followed by a sympathetic, ‘Shit!’ while the kettle boils.
‘And that isn’t all,’ she adds, oblivious to my discomfort. ‘His psycho wife is now hunting our Hannah down and wants to hurt her.’
I pull an awkward face at Harry, wishing Jas wouldn’t tell everyone everything, and he looks at me with genuine concern.
‘Are you okay, Hannah? I mean, I know I joked about him being a serial killer – but it sounds like his wife might be.’
‘Yeah. I just hope it’s all talk, the heat of the moment – you know?’ I mumble, not happy to be starring in the office drama.
‘Sounds unhinged to me.’ Jas is shaking her head.
‘Have you called the police?’ Harry asks.
‘I was going to. I had the phone in my hand to call them straight away. But Alex said to leave it for now. The thing is, she’s a solicitor, any police involvement and she could lose her job, and then she might be even more of a problem.’
‘Shit,’ Harry murmurs, putting three sugars into a mug.
‘Alex knows where she is at all times,’ I explain. ‘He has an app attached to her phone or something from when they were together. He knows where I am too, so if ever she’s nearby he can at least warn me.’
‘Hang on! WTAF?’ Jas is open-mouthed for the second time in this conversation. ‘He’s tracking you and his ex-wife, and you’re scared of her?’
‘It’s not as sinister as it sounds, loads of people do it – friends follow friends – it’s about keeping safe,’ I offer.
‘That’s how the tech companies sell these apps, but how they’re used is a different thing.’ Harry raises his eyebrows.
‘Well, I know Alex is using it to make sure I’m okay,’ I say defensively.
‘I’m with Jas, I’d be more scared of him,’ he says. ‘And if you ever want me to take that app off your phone, just let me know. Gemma would go ballistic if I put one on hers.’
‘She’d be right to go ballistic. It’s a digital dog lead,’ Jas says, shaking her head, while waiting for Harry to pour the now boiled water on her green-tea bag.
They’ve made me feel really uneasy about this – surely Alex is just watching out for me. ‘You guys are so dramatic – I’m glad Alex knows where I am,’ I add in a small voice.
Jas looks at me like I’m crazy. ‘You really have lost it, Hannah. Have you moved all your cups back into the right kitchen cupboard?’ she says, before turning to Harry and filling him in on Alex’s nocturnal tidying. ‘He basically moved all her stuff around, reorganised her kitchen. She can’t find a bloody thing. Only he knows where everything is – and that’s how he likes it.’ She clicks her fingers and wobbles her head.
Harry shrugs. ‘Actually, in his defence, Gemma’s the same. She’s always tidying stuff up at mine. Sometimes, I’m actually glad when she goes home for the night.’
‘You see,’ I say to Jas, ‘he’s just tidy, that’s all.’
‘Yeah, but this wasn’t just tidying stuff up, was it, Hannah? This was creepy – all the labels were facing the same way!’
‘It’s not creepy, it’s tidy,’ I repeat defensively.
‘That’s not what you said on Saturday, you said it freaked you out.’
’Yeah well, I was pissed off with Alex then, but now I’ve forgiven him,’ I say, kicking myself for having shared that with her.
‘You need to padlock those cupboards next time bae is in your crib!’ she says, which makes me and Harry laugh. She loves to use the teen language we all hear from our clients. She’s now rummaging at the back of the cupboard looking for biscuits. ‘Oh shit, he’s been here too,’ she says. ‘Your Alex has let himself in and tidied away the bloody biscuits.’