get rid of them. You like that blush shade, don’t you?’ he’d said. I told him I loved the green velvet, which I do, but I didn’t know they’d been chosen by Helen. I feel a bit weird about the house and everything in it now.
‘If it was all for her, even if she wanted to leave, it must have been hard for her to leave that house and everything in it.’
‘I don’t know.’ He shrugs. ‘Makes me think perhaps she was planning to come back.’
This feels uncomfortable. ‘She obviously never really left, in her heart at least – and it seems to me like you still have feelings for her,’ I hear myself say.
‘I’ll always care about her. You think you’re over someone, and suddenly it hits you. It’s like grief, it isn’t a linear journey, it comes and goes. But I don’t still love her, if that’s what you mean?’
‘I understand,’ I say, relieved to hear him say this again. ‘I don’t love Tom, not sure I ever did – but sometimes, when I think about him, it makes me sad.’
‘Why?’
‘Because he was part of my life, he did nothing wrong, we just weren’t meant to be. And I was the one who ended it. I think that made him realise what he’d had, but it was too late.’
Alex doesn’t say anything, he’s just looking at me, presumably waiting for me to say more, so I continue.
‘I mean, he wasn’t caring like you, he didn’t show his love – but that didn’t mean he didn’t love me in his own way.’
A flicker of resentment flashes in Alex’s eyes. ‘You told me you were unhappy, that you don’t know why you stayed so long, that he was indifferent,’ he says accusingly. ‘And now suddenly he loved you – you were great together.’
‘Hang on, Alex, that’s not what I said. We were together, and now we’re not – end of story.’
‘It isn’t though, is it? He’s clearly still messed up enough to send you vile notes and roses.’
‘I think he just gets really angry about everything now and then and can’t help himself. But he’s met someone else now, so I hope that means he’ll move on properly.’
‘Do you still love him?’ Alex suddenly says.
‘No. No, of course not. Like you said about Helen, I care about him, what happens to him, but it’s in the past. And as for the note, there’s no proof it was him who sent it. Sameera thinks it might be someone I’ve pissed off through work.’
Alex is about to say something, but seems to think better of it.
‘Anyway, this isn’t about Tom,’ I say. ‘We were talking about you and Helen… and I still think you have feelings.’
‘How many times do I have to tell you? NO! I don’t!’
That sudden flash of anger makes me uncomfortable and I get out of bed and pull my dressing gown around me in the early-morning chill.
‘But you still have feelings for him,’ I hear Alex mutter from the bed.
I walk over to the window. ‘You’re wrong, I don’t,’ I say absently and look down at the white pavements, the black, sludgy road. The darkness outside is punctuated now by mere wisps of white snow, the show’s over.
I stand there a while and I’m suddenly aware of Alex’s arms around me, he’s holding me firm against the window, and whispering in my ear.
‘Did you and Tom do it like this?’ He pushes against me, nuzzling my neck, but hard enough that my palms are now flat against the cold glass.
‘Alex,’ I gasp, as I feel him hard in the small of my back.
He lifts my dressing gown, grabs my hips and pushes into me from behind. ‘Did he give it to you like this, Hannah?’ He thrusts gently at first, then harder as he gets more and more excited. ‘Are you looking for him out there on the street, do you think he can see us?’
I’m now squashed against the window and surprised to find I’m strangely aroused. I’ve never seen this side to Alex, didn’t know he had it in him, but rather than feeling weak, used by him, I feel empowered that he wants me so badly when I’d thought he was still pining for Helen.
‘Is he out there on the street watching us? Seeing me take you?’ Alex is really getting off on this fantasy. ‘I hope he knows that you belong to me now.’ He pushes into me so hard, I almost scream.