I log onto my computer. ‘I was like you once, but as you get older, your perspective changes. I used to think marriage was patriarchal, archaic and all that – but now I think I really could see myself in white lace.’ I don’t mention that in my mind’s eye I’m standing next to Alex, who I only met in the flesh a few nights ago.
Harry looks up. ‘Slight flaw in your plan though – you need to find a groom to match the dress.’
‘Yes, there is that minor point. But the latest contender is looking pretty promising.’ I smile.
‘Oh, really?’ I can see he’s not that interested. I wish Sameera were here, she’s getting married in the New Year and loves talking weddings.
‘Yeah. I like him,’ I say, understating my feelings. ‘It’s early days – we’ve only had two dates – but I’m… hopeful.’
‘I thought you said after whatshisname you weren’t going out with anyone again,’ Harry says, his eyes drifting back to his computer screen, bored of the conversation already.
‘I did, but never say never.’ I pick up the croissant he gave me and change the subject. ‘Thank you, but you mustn’t keep giving these to me, Harry, I’ll get fat.’ Really, it’s a godsend – I never have time for breakfast before I leave, and who knows when I’ll get lunch today.
He smiles and starts typing, apparently our rather one-sided wedding chat now over.
I take a bite of croissant and make a mental note to buy him something in return for all the sweet treats he keeps bringing us all. I check my phone. Alex has texted me back about tonight.
That’s a shame :( but no worries, you enjoy the cinema. I had been thinking I might cook you dinner tonight. I need to make it up to you for me being late on date 2. So how about dinner at mine tomorrow night – if you’d like?
I text him back straight away.
Yes. Thanks, sounds great. I’ll look forward to it. X
This time his reply is instant.
Me too! X
I feel good. I’ve managed the situation and kept everyone happy, which, for an inherent pleaser like me, is all that’s required. Alex is proving to be as perfect as I thought by taking it in his stride, and also confirmed a third date, and he’s cooking. He’s doing everything right.
Later, as Jas and I enjoy the cinema, I realise that I can juggle my slightly needy but well-meaning friend with my new boyfriend, I just have to be sensitive, and not go on about him. We both lust after Ryan Reynolds instead.
‘God, what I would give for fifteen minutes with him,’ Jas says as we leave the cinema and walk to the wine bar for a last drink.
‘Yeah, me too,’ I echo, not really feeling it. What I really think is that I’d rather spend fifteen minutes with Alex, which I know sounds crazy.
‘I loved it, but I felt like the mother in that movie was totally one-dimensional,’ she adds.
I agree, and we sit down with our drinks and talk about the representation of mothers in the media.
‘Mothers get a bad press,’ I say.
‘Yeah, but they’re not all Madonnas.’ She sighs. ‘Look at our mothers.’
‘I find it hard to deal with my mother and my past.’ I sigh. ‘I’d rather think about the future, it helps me overcome the past.’
‘Good luck trying to overcome my past. It’s what shapes us, Hannah, and it doesn’t matter how positive we all try to be – our past is who we are.’
‘Yeah but our lives aren’t pre-destined. Just because my mum was an addict doesn’t mean I am, I’ve fought tooth and nail to have a different life.’
‘Mmm, sadly my life’s a cookie cutter of my mother’s. That guy I’ve been seeing, Richard?’
‘Yes,’ I say.
‘I was right, he’s shagging someone else.’
‘Oh, Jas, that’s crap. Do you know that for sure?’
‘Yes.’ She looks down. ‘I know we were casual, but I thought we were heading somewhere.’
‘Yes, but either way, it was a conversation he should have had with you,’ I say, feeling protective of her. On the surface she seems so strong, always looking out for everyone else, fiercely guarding her friends – yet she’s so vulnerable herself.
‘Exactly. Anyway, I confronted him last night, told him I’d seen some texts on his phone. Hannah, the thing that hurts most isn’t the betrayal. It’s the fact he’d clearly wanted me to see them. And after he’d “confessed”, he