Linda smiled at that. “We just wanted to talk to you about what we discussed last month.”
Joaquin set his fork down and readjusted his napkin. (In his lap.) “Oh,” he said.
Mark cleared his throat. That’s how Joaquin knew he was nervous. Mark had all sorts of tells, but that was a big one. “We just wanted to know if you had had time to think about it. We know this has been a busy month for you, what with finding Maya and Grace and getting to know them.”
“But,” Linda quickly added, “we’re fine with waiting if you need more time to think about it. We don’t want to pressure you at all, sweetheart.”
Joaquin had thought about it so much that he didn’t think there was any possible way to have new thoughts about it.
“I’m still thinking,” he said. “Don’t worry.”
Mark cleared his throat again. Linda tried not to look hopeful, but she didn’t have much success at hiding the expression that flitted across her face.
Joaquin thought about Grace defending her family, about Maya’s parents splitting up, her dad moving out. “I have a question,” he said.
Mark and Linda sat up at the same time like nervous rabbits, their ears pricking up. “Of course,” Mark said. “We imagined you would. You know we’re always here to answer questions if you need it.”
“And we’ll answer them truthfully,” Linda added. She knew that was important to him.
“Okay,” Joaquin said slowly, sitting back in his chair. “So if I say no, that I don’t want to be adopted, do I have to leave?”
Linda seemed to wilt, while Mark looked like one of those helium balloons that Joaquin had gotten from a birthday party when he was seven. He had been so excited to bring it home and keep it, but the next day it was sunken and deflated, almost to the ground. Seeing Mark that way made Joaquin feel as bad as when he had woken up and seen the balloon.
“I mean, I’m not saying no,” he quickly added. “But I just wanted to . . . yeah. I just wanted to know.” Now Joaquin was the one clearing his throat.
“Joaquin,” Linda said, and her voice was as soft as it was whenever he had a nightmare, like it could be a protective barrier between him and any bad thing that would possibly happen. “No matter what you decide, no matter what happens going forward, there will always be a place for you in our home.”
Joaquin nodded and ignored the tightness in his throat.
“Have you talked to your therapist about it?” Mark asked.
Joaquin nodded.
He had not. He knew that Ana would be 100 percent in favor of the adoption, and he didn’t want her to sway him. Joaquin had realized early on that he needed to figure out things in his head before he brought them up to Ana. Otherwise, she just muddled up his thoughts until he wasn’t sure how he felt anymore.
“I told her I needed to think about it on my own for a while,” Joaquin said instead, which he considered a half-truth and therefore not really a lie. “But I just wanted to know what would happen if I said no, that’s all.”
Mark was quiet for a few seconds before asking, “Are you afraid of what will happen if you say yes?”
One of the things about adapting, Joaquin had learned, was that you could get so comfortable in a family that their tells would become your tells, too, and then they would know the things that could scare you before you even knew about them.
“I mean, it’s a change either way, right?” Joaquin said, then started to stand up. “Can I be excused?”
“Joaquin,” Linda said, and he froze halfway up. “We’re not scared of adopting you, if that’s what you’re worried about. Mark and I love you. We know you. We trust you. Implicitly.”
Joaquin wondered if Linda was thinking about the Buchanans, the hospital reports, the X-ray of Joaquin’s broken arm.
“I’m not scared,” he said, then cleared his throat. Goddamnit.
“It’s okay if you are,” Mark started to say, just as Linda said, “We really do want you.”
“I know,” Joaquin said to both of them. “I know that.”
He did know that. That’s what was freaking him out so bad.
Joaquin saw Birdie the next day at school.
Truth be told, the potential to see her at school every day was there. (Joaquin had carefully floated the idea of maybe going to