“God, never mind,” Grace said, pushing her plate away. She had barely touched her sandwich or fries, or much food at all, for that matter. Just thinking about Saturday made her feel nauseous in a way that she had never experienced during pregnancy.
“Okay, but can I just ask one question?” Rafe said.
“If I say no, are you going to ask it anyway?”
“Yep.”
“Fine, ask away.”
Rafe leaned forward a little, putting his hand on the table toward Grace. “What if your birth mom doesn’t want to be found?”
Grace sat back against the booth, the leather suddenly cold on her legs.
“I mean, all the letters were returned, her phone’s disconnected, she’s never tried to find any of you, not even Joaquin. What if she just wants to stay gone?”
Grace fiddled with the napkin in her lap. “I don’t know,” she said. “I don’t. But I just want her to know that I’m okay. Is that selfish?”
“I don’t think so,” Rafe said.
“Is this a stupid thing to do?”
“Maybe. I’m not really sure.”
“What would you do?”
Rafe thought for a minute, then pushed his hand farther across the table so that their fingertips were touching. “I don’t know,” he said. “But maybe this way, either way, you’ll have an answer.”
Grace raised her hand so that it was covering Rafe’s. “I told Joaquin and Maya about Peach.”
Rafe’s eyes widened almost comically. “Seriously?” he asked. “Why? How?”
“Maya saw an email from her adoptive parents. She was just teasing me with my phone and she saw it, and yeah. Hard to hide after that.”
“Wow. Are you good with that?”
Grace was, actually. She felt lighter after that day, like the heavy cloud that had hung over her had finally turned into rain. “They want me to visit her.”
“Joaq and Maya do?”
“No. Peach’s parents. They want me to visit in a few months, when she’s six months old. We had originally agreed to two visits a year back before the adoption.”
Rafe waited for her to go on, flipping his hand over so that their palms were pressed together.
“I don’t know if I can.”
“That’s fine. You don’t have to.”
“But what if she wants to see me? I mean, not now, but in the future.”
“You mean like you want to see your birth mom?”
Grace nodded. “I just don’t want her to wonder, you know? I don’t want her to have any questions like I do.”
Rafe shrugged. “Then go see her. Either way, it’s going to be hard, but you’ve always done the right thing for her. Don’t stop now.”
Grace didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure she could speak.
“You want to keep talking about this?” Rafe asked.
She shook her head.
“You want to talk about that return you’ve got there?” He nodded toward the package sitting next to Grace, a mail order from the kitchen store.
This time, she smiled, pushing the tears away. “This one’s pretty great,” she said.
“Your mom’s insomnia purchases are amazing,” Rafe agreed. “Let’s see.”
Grace pulled it out of the package. “I think it’s a pepper mill,” she said, holding up the small garden gnome. “You twist its hat and the pepper comes out of his beard.”
Rafe put his hand over his mouth. “Wow,” he said after a minute.
“Think we should name it?” Grace asked.
“No,” Rafe said, then started to climb out of the booth. “It’s probably best if we don’t get attached. C’mon—if we get back early enough, you can wear my apron.”
“Oh, goody,” she said, rolling her eyes, but took his hand anyway when he held it out to her.
On Saturday morning, it was a text from Rafe that woke her up.
good luck today, it said. call me if you want later.
Grace looked at it for a long minute before typing back, ok.
Then she went in the bathroom and threw up.
Her parents were already gone for the day, at some gardening show. They had left dinner defrosting on the counter for her, and seeing the Tupperware sweating on the countertop made something tug at Grace’s heart in the most painful of ways. They had forgiven her a lot over the past year. She hoped they could forgive this, too.
Maya pulled up in a cab just as Grace was finishing getting dressed. She had tried on at least ten different outfits. She wanted to look pretty, but not overdone. She wanted to seem casual, but not too casual, like she normally spent the weekend knocking on strangers’ doors and asking if they were her mom.
Rafe’s words echoed back at her, but Grace just pushed