was him, but also have no idea it was him, at the same time. Looking back on it now, I can see that it was the same sort of terrible self-deception that played a part in the way everyone felt about David Thomsen. People could look and see just a man, but in the same glance, the answer to all their problems.
My father didn’t wear the outfit that Christmas Eve. He said we were all too old for it, and he was probably right. But he also said he didn’t feel too well. My mother laid on the usual Christmas Eve celebration anyway. We sat around a (smaller than usual) Nordic pine and unwrapped our (fewer than usual) gifts while Christmas carols played on the radio and a fire crackled in the grate. After about half an hour, just before dinner, my father said he needed to go and lie down, he had a terrible headache.
Thirty seconds later he was on the floor of the drawing room, having a stroke.
We didn’t know it was a stroke at the time. We thought he was having some kind of fit. Or a heart attack. Dr Broughton, my father’s private physician, came to look him over, still in his Christmas Eve outfit of red woollen V-neck and holly-print bow tie. I remember his face when my father said that he no longer had private health cover, how quickly he left the house, how he dropped his unctuous demeanour like a brick. He sent him straight to hospital in an NHS ambulance and left without saying goodbye.
My father came home on Boxing Day.
They said he was fine, that he’d have some cognitive challenges for a while, some motor problems, but that his brain would fix itself, that he would be back to normal within weeks. Maybe sooner.
But, as with his first stroke, he never recovered properly. There was an even greater vacancy there. He used the wrong words. Or couldn’t find any words at all. He spent whole days sitting in the armchair in his bedroom eating biscuits, very slowly. Sometimes he’d laugh at inappropriate junctures. Other times he wouldn’t get the joke.
He moved slowly. He avoided stairs. He stopped leaving the house entirely.
And the weaker my father became, the closer to the mark David Thomsen stepped.
By the time I turned fourteen in May 1991, we had rules. Not just normal family rules like no feet on the furniture, or do your homework before you watch TV. Not the sort of rules we’d had for all our lives.
No, now we had crazy, despotic rules, written out in black marker on a large poster that was taped to the kitchen wall. I can still remember them to this day:
No haircuts WITHOUT PERMISSION of David and/or Birdie
No television
No visitors WITHOUT PERMISSION of David and/or Birdie
No vanity
No greed
Nobody to leave the building without the EXPRESS PERMISSION of David and/or Birdie
No meat
No animal products
No leather/suede/wool/feathers
No plastic containers
No more than four pieces of rubbish per day per person, including food waste
No unnatural coloured clothes
No pharma
No chemicals
One wash or shower PER PERSON PER DAY
One shampoo per week
ALL RESIDENTS must spend a minimum of two hours a day with David in the exercise room
ALL CHILDREN must spend a minimum of two hours a day with Birdie in the music room
All food must be homecooked from organic ingredients
No electric or gas heating
No shouting
No swearing
No running
This list of rules had started quite short and was added to at intervals as David’s control of our household got stronger and stronger.
Sally, at this stage, still used to come to the house once or twice a week, to take the children out for tea. She was sleeping on a friend’s sofa in Brixton and desperately trying to find some kind of accommodation big enough for them all to live in. Phin would be extra sullen after spending time with his mother. He would lock himself in his room and miss the next couple of meals. It was because of Phin, in fact, that a lot of the rules were put in place. David found his moods untenable. He could not bear the wasted food, or the door which he was unable to open at will. He could not bear anyone doing anything that did not directly correspond with his own view of the world. He could not bear teenagers.
Two new rules were added:
No locked doors
ALL MEALS to be attended by ALL members of the household
One morning, shortly after the fifth time Phin had come back from