“I’m not ready to let go of you yet,” he says, subdued.
I turn to Arissa and mouth, “Sorry.”
She returns a few minutes later with the remnants of my dinner.
Damian arrives as Jason and I finish eating. “Hey,” he says, bumping fists with Jason. “Sorry about your dad.”
“Thanks, man.”
“If you need anything we’ll be in my room,” Arissa states, taking Damian by the hand and leading him out.
“Do you want to talk about it yet?” I ask.
“I don’t know if I can,” he answers.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
“I want to. I want you to know. He loved you too. But it’s just so…raw.”
“It can wait.” I don’t want to push him before he’s ready. It’s not a good feeling.
He goes on anyway. Always determined to be strong, everyone’s unfailing rock. “He fell asleep after I tried to feed him lunch.” He inhales deep and swallows. “He slept longer than usual, so I went to check on him after I finished my laundry. He was gone.” Tears stream down his face.
“I’m so sorry,” I say as I cry with him.
“He was lying there so still and his skin felt like ice.” He stares at the floor. “I called Mom and she rushed home. If I hadn’t skipped classes today—“ he chokes up and draws me into him.
“I wanted to crawl out of my skin while we made calls to family while waiting for the ambulance and the hospice worker. I wanted out of there. I wanted to hold you.” He moves his hands to my head and pushes it back, locking our eyes. “Come back to L.A. with me. Please,” he pleads.
“J, I…“ I falter.
“I want you with me. I miss you every day we’re apart.”
“It’s a big decision. Let me think about it. I’m not saying no. I’m saying I don’t know,” I clarify. “Besides, where would I live? You’re in the dorms.”
“We can get an apartment off-campus.”
I ignore his suggestion. “Will you let me think about it? Even if it means not going back with you?”
He casts his eyes down and nods once, then touches his forehead to mine.
“I love you, J, but I can’t just jump into something like this.”
“I know. I shouldn’t have asked again. I just miss you so much without anyone up there who really knows me like you or my parents, or even Arissa.”
“Is UCLA where you want to be, then? Why not transfer back here and be at home with your mom?”
“He wanted me to go to a good college, Parker.”
“He also wanted you happy, not miserable.”
“I can’t leave in the middle of the semester. Plus, there’s basketball. I made a commitment.”
“It’s your decision.” He can’t reason while grieving and he can’t recognize he’s choosing to appease everyone else. I’ll save the discussion for another time.
“Right now, I just want you.” His hands move to my cheeks, his lips barely brushing mine before he tips his head back. “I should get home.”
“Let me get Arissa and Damian.”
“I’ll go with you. I still don’t want to let go of you.”
“I’m not going anywhere,” I remind him.
“I know. I just need your touch. It’s keeping me together right now.”
I climb off his lap, leaving my hand on his shoulder until he gets up. We slip an arm around each other and walk to Arissa’s room; I knock on the door.
“We’re decent!” she calls out.
I crack the door open. “Jason’s ready to go home. Did you guys want to come with us?”
“Yeah,” Damian says, sitting up from his reclined position on Arissa’s bed. “I can drive if you want, J.”
“Sure.” He pulls his hand out of his pocket and tosses the keys to Damian.
Jason crawls in the back of his car and slides over while holding my hand. We are silent on the drive to his house. He traces patterns on my arm with his index finger. Up, down, around, side to side. I recognize the anxiety and allow him the peace he needs in the moment.
He tenses as Damian pulls into the driveway. I squeeze his knee and he glances at me, tears pooling above his lower lashes. His eyes close as he inhales and the tears run. My thumb strokes the first one away and he grasps my forearm.
Arissa and Damian head into the house.
He unbuckles our seatbelts, then lifts me onto his lap and I straddle him. His hands travel into my hair and I wind my arms around his neck, touching my lips to his. He opens up