the first time in weeks, he wondered if things were going to be very different now, with Paul out of work. He would be free all the time, and Lionel had to go to school. He was diligent about that, despite his affair with Paul.
And within weeks, it became obvious that it did complicate things somewhat. Paul was restless much of the time, he was reading scripts, trying to decide what he wanted to do next, he was still nervous about Faye, and by spring he was tired of his school-boy love. It just didn't give him enough. It had lasted six months, which was a long time for him. And Lionel sensed it before Paul said anything. It was painful for both of them when it ended, but Lionel finally confronted Paul with it. He couldn't stand the strained silences between them anymore, and suddenly the house in Malibu seemed oppressive to both of them.
“It's over, isn't it, Paul?” He didn't look quite so young anymore, but he was, Paul reminded himself. He wasn't even nineteen. Christ. They were eleven years apart. Eleven years. And he had just met a forty-two-year-old man who had turned his legs to mush. He had never had an older lover before, and he was anxious to spend some time with him. But he couldn't with Lionel hanging around his neck. He looked at the boy now, and he had no regrets for what they'd done. He wondered if Lionel did, but he had never seemed to in all these months. He seemed to have found his niche in life. He was happy, his grades had soared. He seemed to have found himself. Maybe it was worth it after all. Paul smiled sadly at him. It was time to be honest and call it a day.
“I think it might be, my friend. Life is like that sometimes. And we've had a good run, wouldn't you say?”
Lionel nodded, looking sad. He didn't want to let go. But it hadn't been good for a while, except in bed. It was always good there, but they were both healthy and young, there was no reason for it not to be. And now he wanted to know the truth. “Is there someone else?”
Paul was honest with him. “Not yet.”
“But soon?”
“I don't know. And that's not the point.” Paul got up and walked around the room. “I just know I need to be free for a while.” He turned back to look at Lionel. “It's not like the other world, Li. People don't fall in love and get married and live happily ever after with thirteen kids. It's a lot harder for our kind. It's pretty rare for people to stay together for a long time. It happens, sure, but most of the time it's a one-night stand, or a couple of days, or even a week, or if you're lucky six months like us … and then, there's nowhere to go, and that's it.”
“That's not good enough.” Lionel looked upset. “I want more than that.”
Paul smiled. He was wise to his way of life. “Good luck. You may find it, but most of the time you won't.”
“Why not?”
Paul shrugged. “Not our style maybe. We're all too interested in good looks, beautiful bodies, a tight little ass, a body as young as yours … and all of us know we won't be young anymore one day.” He was already starting to feel like that. He was envious of Lionel sometimes, which made him bitchy with him. But this older man made him feel beautiful and young, as Lionel was to him.
“What do you want to do now?”
“I don't know. Travel for a while maybe.”
Lionel nodded. “Can I still see you sometimes?”
“Of course …” And then he looked up at the boy. “It's been wonderful for me, Lionel … I hope you know that
But Lionel looked far more intensely at him. “Ill never forget you, Paul … never … for the rest of my life …” He went to him, and they kissed. And Lionel stayed there that night. But the next day Paul drove him home, and without being told, Lionel knew that he wouldn't be seeing him again. Not for a long, long time anyway.
CHAPTER 18
In June of 1965, the entire Thayer family found itself sitting in the same row of the auditorium of Beverly Hills High as it had the year before. But it was Greg graduating this time, and it characteristically lacked the solemnity of Lionel's