from Buffalo.” He sighed in the night air. “I used to hate it there.”
Lionel smiled. “It must be very different than this.” They both laughed, and as the laughter subsided, Paul looked at him.
“I want to be honest with you. I'm gay.” Suddenly he was terrified. What if Lionel hated him for that? … What if he jumped up and ran away? … It was the first time he had been afraid of that kind of rejection in years and that frightened him. It was like taking a giant step back … back to Buffalo … to being in love with Mr. Hoolihan at baseball practice in the spring and not being able to say anything … just watch him in the shower and want so desperately to touch his face … his arm … his leg … to touch him anywhere … to touch him there … he turned to Lionel with frightened eyes. “Do you know what that means?”
“Yes, of course.”
“I don't mean just that I'm a homosexual. I assume you'd understand that. I mean do you know the special kind of loneliness that can mean to a man?” Paul emptied his soul into his eyes and Lionel nodded, never taking his eyes from him. “I think you do know, Lionel … I think you've felt the same things I have. Haven't you?”
Tears slowly ran down Lionel's cheeks as he nodded his head, and suddenly he couldn't bear looking into those eyes anymore, he dropped his face into his hands and began to cry, and a thousand years of loneliness welled up in him, as Paul took him in his arms and held him there until he stopped, and then he lifted his chin until he looked into his eyes again.
“I'm falling in love with you. And I don't know what to do about it.” He had never felt as free as he did just then. It felt wonderful to admit it to him, and Lionel felt his whole body turn to fire. Suddenly he understood things he had never understood before about himself … things he had never wanted to know … or was afraid to think about … he knew them all as he looked into this man's eyes. “You're a virgin aren't you?”
Lionel nodded and his voice was hoarse. “Yes, I am.” He was falling in love with him too, but he didn't know how to say it yet. He prayed that in time he would, that Paul wouldn't send him away … that he would always, always let him be with him….
“Have you ever slept with a girl?” He shook his head silently. That was how he had known. He had never wanted to. Ever. It just wasn't there. “Neither had I.” He sighed and lay back on the sand with a sigh, gently taking Lionel's hand and kissing the palm over and over again. “Maybe it's easier like this. The choice is made for us a long time ago. I've always believed that about people like us. I know we have nothing to do with the choice, and it's there even when you're a very little boy. I think I knew it way back then, but I was afraid to know.”
Lionel felt braver now. “So was I … I was afraid somebody would find out … would know … would see my thoughts … my brother is this all-out jock, and my father wanted me to be like that. And I just couldn't be … I couldn't…” Tears filled his eyes again, and Paul held his hand tight in his own.
“Does anyone in your family suspect?”
Lionel quickly shook his head. “I never really even admitted it to myself until tonight.” But now he knew. He knew for sure. He wanted it to be like this. With Paul. And no one else. He had waited for him all his life and wasn't going to lose him now.
But Paul was watching him carefully. “Are you sure you're ready to admit it now? You can never go back again. You can't really change your mind … some do, I guess, but I always wonder how convinced they are … I don't know …” He looked up at Lionel as they lay on the sand side by side. He was propped up on one elbow, looking down at him, and there was no one around for miles. The houses were lit up behind them like jewels, a thousand engagement rings he was offering him … a crown….