could he tell Monk something about himself more than a bare name, put flesh and memory to the bleak fact of his presence?
Monk was lying on the cot clothed up to his chin, and yet he felt mentally naked, vulnerable as the exposed and ridiculous are. His instinct was to hide, to conceal his weakness. And yet he must know. There must be dozens, perhaps scores of people in the world who knew him, and he knew nothing. It was a total and paralyzing disadvantage. He did not even know who loved or hated him, whom he had wronged, or helped. His need was like that of a man who starves for food, and yet is terrified that in any mouthful may lurk poison.
He looked back at the policeman. Runcorn, the nurse had said his name was. He must commit himself to something.
"Did I have an accident?" he asked.
"Looked like it," Runcorn replied matter-of-factly. "Hansom was turned over, right mess. You must have hit something at a hell of a lick. Horse frightened out of its wits." He shook his head and pulled the corners of his mouth down. "Cabby killed outright, poor devil. Hit his head on the curb. You were inside, so I suppose you were partly protected. Had a swine of a job to get you out. Dead weight. Never realized you were such a solid feller. Don't remember it, I suppose? Not even the fright?" Again his left eye narrowed a little.
"No." No images came to Monk's mind, no memory of speed, or impact, not even pain.
"Don't remember what you were doing?" Runcorn went on, without any real hope in his voice. "What case you were on?"
Monk seized on a brilliant hope, a thing with shape; he was almost too afraid to ask, in case it crumbled at his touch. He stared at Runcorn. He must know this man, personally, perhaps even daily. And yet nothing in him woke the slightest recall.
"Well, man?" Runcorn demanded. "Do you remember? You weren't anywhere we sent you! What the devil were you doing? You must have discovered something yourself. Can you remember what it was?"
The blank was impenetrable.
Monk moved his head fractionally in negation, but the bright bubble inside him stayed. He was a Peeler himself, that was why they knew him! He was not a thief-not a fugitive.
Runcorn leaned forward a little, watching him keenly, seeing the light in his face.
"You do remember something!" he said triumphantly. "Come on, man-what is it?"
Monk could not explain that it was not memory that changed him, but a dissolving of fear in one of the sharpest forms it had taken. The entire, suffocating blanket was still there, but characterless now, without specific menace.
Runcorn was still waiting, staring at him intently.
"No," Monk said slowly. "Not yet."
Runcorn straightened up. He sighed, trying to control himself. "It'll come."
"How long have I been here?" Monk asked. "I've lost count of time." It sounded reasonable enough; anyone ill might do that.
"Over three weeks-it's the thirty-first of July-1856," he added with a touch of sarcasm.
Dear God! Over three weeks, and all he could remember was yesterday. He shut his eyes; it was infinitely worse than that-a whole lifetime of how many years? And all he could remember was yesterday! How old was he? How many years were lost? Panic boiled up inside him again and for a moment he could have screamed, Help me, somebody, who am I? Give me back my life, my self!
But men did not scream in public, even in private they did not cry out. The sweat stood cold on his skin and he lay rigid, hands clenched by his sides. Runcorn would take it for pain, ordinary physical pain. He must keep up the appearance. He must not let Runcorn think he had forgotten how to do his job. Without a job the workhouse would be a reality-grinding, hopeless, day after day of obedient, servile, pointless labor.
He forced himself back to the present.
"Over three weeks?''
"Yes," Runcorn replied. Then he coughed and cleared his throat. Perhaps he was embarrassed. What does one say to a man who cannot remember you, who cannot even remember himself? Monk felt for him.
"It'll come back," Runcorn repeated. "When you're up again; when you get back on the job. You want a break to get well, that's what you need, a break till you get your strength. Take a week or two. Bound to. Come back to the station when you're fit to work. It'll all come clear