grunting as he climbed the remaining steps. “I was early. Missus made me walk. Doctor’s talking her ear off about controlling cholesterol levels, which means that I have to choke down whatever nasty concoction she found on the internet.” He glanced back at Nick. “You don’t know any vegans, do you, Nicky?”
“No, sir.”
“Good. Keep it that way. They can’t be trusted. But what she doesn’t know can’t hurt her, right? A beer sounds good right about now.”
“She already called me,” Dad said from the kitchen. “I picked up low-calorie beer for you.”
“That woman,” Cap muttered. “Meddles in everything. Still gay, Nicky?”
“Yeah. They say I’ll never be rid of it. Apparently, my body is riddled with homo—”
Cap waved a hand at him. “Yeah, yeah. I hear you. You’re lucky. You can get yourself a man and not have to deal with all this nonsense.”
Nick frowned. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”
“Maybe I’ll give it a go,” Cap said, rubbing his mustache. “My secretary says your dad is dreamy, whatever that means. Think I got a shot?”
Nick stared at him in horror. “Why would you say that?”
“So I could see the look on your face,” Cap said, shaking his head. “Oh, Nicky, don’t ever change.”
Dad came out of the kitchen, two beers in hand. He paused in the entryway to the den, eyes narrowing. “Do I even want to know?”
“Having some guy talk,” Cap said, patting Nick on the back. “Ain’t that right?”
“You can’t marry Cap,” Nick said to his dad. “Not only is that a conflict of interest for your job, it’s gross. He can’t be my stepdad!”
Cap laughed, bending over and slapping his knee.
Dad gaped.
The doorbell rang.
“I’ll get it,” Nick shouted, hurrying toward the door where hopefully his salvation awaited. He didn’t want to see Dad and Cap cuddling on the couch.
Seth was standing on the tiny porch, shuffling from side to side. He wore khakis and a wool pullover that looked really soft.
“Why do you still ring the doorbell? You’re here almost as much as I am.”
“It’s polite,” Seth muttered, shoving his way past Nick into the house. “Just because you tromp into my house—”
“Excuse you, I don’t tromp. I don’t even know what that is!”
“—doesn’t mean I do the same. My aunt says hi, by the way. She wants me to remind you that she needs you to come over and eat all her cookies so she can make more.”
Nick closed the door behind them. “Why don’t you eat them?” He’d seen Seth polish off an entire batch of peanut butter cookies in one sitting. Granted, that had been a few years ago, but still. It was impressive. The peanut butter farts later that night hadn’t been as impressive. Nick had almost died.
“I don’t eat much of that stuff anymore,” Seth said.
“Oh. Why?”
“Don’t want to.”
“Huh.” Nick eyed him up and down. He still looked like Seth. Yeah, he was taller, and maybe his face was thinner than it’d been before, but— “There’s pizza, if you want it. Leftovers. Dad and me went to Tony’s.”
“Nah,” Seth said. “I had boiled chicken and spinach for lunch.”
Nick made a face. “That sounds terrible. And speaking of terrible, Cap is here, and I think he’s going gay for my dad.”
“I don’t … what does that even mean?”
“Right? I have no idea! But they’re on a date, and—”
Seth glanced toward the living room. “Isn’t Cap married?”
“Well, yeah. But that doesn’t mean he can’t have a side piece.”
Seth’s head snapped back toward Nick. “You just called your dad a side piece.”
Nick felt the blood leave his face. “Oh my god.”
“Why would you say that?”
“I don’t know!”
“Ugh,” Seth said, face in his hands like he couldn’t get the image out of his head. “Ick. Gross. No. No.”
“Are you two done?” Dad called from the living room. “It’s funny how you think we can’t hear every single word you’re saying.”
“Wow,” Nick said. “Glad to know you think eavesdropping is okay. Rude.”
“I’m a cop, kid. I see and hear everything.”
“And I’m a law-abiding citizen. I know my rights. You need to have probable cause to do—”
“He’s going to make a good cop,” Cap told Dad. Then, “Except maybe we won’t give him a gun.”
“He’s not even allowed to have a Taser,” Dad muttered.
“Whatever,” Nick said. “I don’t want to interrupt your weird man date. We’re going upstairs. Seth, come on.” He was halfway up the stairs with Seth trailing after him when his dad called his name. He peered over the banister.