Escaping Parker - F.T. Zele Page 0,66

of him leaving, and what I think he is going to do once he leaves. I don’t want him remembering me as a crazy, jealous person.

We lie together not saying anything, Rig running his fingers through my hair. My eyes start to close, and I’m falling sleep fast.

He mumbles, “We are going to get through this. I didn’t know I could ever love again.” He swallows hard. “I wish I didn’t have to leave.”

I want to say something, but I’m too tired. I hear all I need to hear—that he loves me—and it gives me hope that he might stay, after all.

Not wanting him to get all weird about his little confessions, I keep my eyes closed and pretend I’m asleep.

Ever since I started working, I live for Saturdays. They usually consist of Rig and me doing small things around the house, lounging on the couch, and staying hidden away like the world doesn’t exist around us.

I also like to pretend that nothing is wrong, and I know everything there is about him to know. The nagging feeling about pushing him has been screaming loudly in my head, and I’m unable to keep it quiet any longer.

I’ve been thinking everyday how I can get him to talk, how to ease into a conversation he clearly doesn’t want to have. Living with someone you don’t fully know is hard as it is, but for me, it just brings me back to ugly places that I don’t wish to relive.

You would think Rig would understand why it’s so important to me to talk, because for all I know, I could be living with someone who is going to snap on me at any moment. It terrifies me to think of how much I don’t know about him.

I hate to screw up everything we have going on between us lately, but it’s been three months since settling in this new house, life, and the new job recently. I want to start to stabilize my life, and take control over what I can. I just know whatever it is he tells me won’t ever be close to the shit I’ve lived through, and I can help him work through the stuff in his head.

Rig comes through the front door with an armful of firewood. A huge snow storm will be moving in soon. Not looking forward to that.

“I’m pretty sure you have enough wood for the next five years.” He takes his coat off and hangs it up.

“Ok,” I say, still consumed in my own thoughts.

Rig narrows his eyes. “Just ok? Did something happen while I was gone?”

“Nope, nothing happened. Just thinking,” I say dryly.

“Want to talk about it?” he asks and takes a seat next to me.

It’s funny how he’s always willing to listen to me talk about things that bother me, always willing to talk as long as the conversation doesn’t get turned in his direction. That ends today.

“Why won’t you tell me about you?” I ask. “How come you don’t trust me enough to let me in? You know everything about me. Granted, you knew most of it before you even met me, but I never have held back anything from you. We live together for now, and I just don’t like that I have this feeling in the back of my head that I know nothing about you. It’s like I’m always waiting for a tiny glimpse of who you really are to come out so I can feel that I’m not being stupid with my feelings here.”

“Parker, I don’t know why you can’t just be happy with what we have while it lasts. Why do you want to know about things that will only make you hate me? Haven’t you had enough ugliness of one person for a lifetime? I refuse to let my past hurt another person.”

“Do you not trust me? Or is this all just a little game of house that we are playing until you move on to the next person?” I say honestly.

“How could you say that?” Rig’s jaw clenches. “You know how I feel about you, and how hard it’s going to be for me to leave. That shouldn’t even be a question.”

“Actually, I don’t know how you feel, you don’t talk. As far as I’m concerned, I’m just a convenient lay for you. I mean I’m here, I’m lonely, and you know the right buttons to push, with the whole ‘I don’t mix business with pleasure’ line you feed me.”

“Stop it! That’s really