Escaping Parker - F.T. Zele Page 0,37
thought I was, that still stands true. This is what happens when you don’t be careful. That’s all you need to know.” He turns around to face me and grabs my hand, stopping me from touching him.
“Why can’t I know? Rig, please. Just tell me. I can handle it; you don’t have to hide stuff from me.”
“Look, the less you know the better. I’m just protecting you, that’s all this is about,” he says, never letting go of my hand.
“Protecting me from something besides Steven?”
“From me, from what these scars are about. How once I let you in, there isn’t any going back. I can’t do that. I can’t ever put someone in danger again by putting my feelings first.”
“What does that mean? I don’t know what you are saying.” I say feeling confused, and let down
“Parker, if this was any other situation, I would be a fool not to take you in my arms and never let you go. Showing you how special you are and treating you the way you deserve to be treated. But I can’t let that happen. I can’t protect you the way you need to be protected if I let my feelings get in the way. I’ve seen what it did once, and I will never let it happen again.” He drops my hand from his grip.
“Please. Just tell me. Make me want to have nothing to do with you.”
“I can’t. I can’t let you in the way you want me to.”
I bite my bottom lip and let out a sigh. “Ok, but I’m not giving up on you, Rig.”
“You have to, Parker. Trust me when I say I’m not someone you’ll be able to hold onto. I will leave to take another person away, and I won’t be around. You’ll never hear from me once this is done, and you have your life set up. It’s just the way it has to be.”
Nothing feels worse than the fact that Rig is telling me he is going to leave and never come back when this is all done. I don’t know how things will be when I’m finally building my new life, but it just doesn’t feel right knowing I won’t be with him.
“Fine, you don’t have to tell me. It doesn’t mean I’ll stop asking, though. I mean, you act so fucking hot one minute and the next so cold. I don’t ever know when you are mad at me, or when you actually want to be around me. You act like I can’t see how this all affects you. I see it every time we are near each other; you aren’t that good at hiding things. Your eyes tell me everything I need to know.” I turn around to walk out of the room, irritated at this whole situation.
“Parker, wait. Please don’t be upset with me. You have to realize I’m doing this for you.”
“That’s funny, because I know you are doing this for you. Because you’re scared to admit you think about me. I’m fucking terrified that I could even think this way about you. I swore I would never trust again, and here I am trusting you with my life. Do you know how hard that is for me?”
“That’s the reason, because you trust me and I never want to break that with us. You don’t know how it made me feel when I finally saw that. When I did, I knew I couldn’t ever let you down. I can’t be that to you. I don’t want you to feel like you did the first time I saw you.” He takes a seat on the bed.
“I’m not asking you for anything other than to just be you, and not have this barrier up between us. If I’m the only one feeling this, please tell me so I can stop making a fool out of myself.”
“You aren’t. You have to realize you’re vulnerable right now, and you’re grasping on to anything that isn’t him. Soon you will realize that, and where will I be? Knee deep in unreciprocated feelings. I don’t think I could handle that from you.” He drops his head into his hands.
“The feelings are there, and it’s not because I want the first person who has showed me any compassion. I’m not saying let’s jump into a relationship and pretend none of this is going on. All I’m saying is, why do we have to fight something that is obviously there? Why can’t we just go on like