Escaping Parker - F.T. Zele Page 0,35

company and see where the number of the payphone is and they will be here. They know already. Steven knows you ran. He would have never hired a PI if he thought you were dead.”

It’s one thing envisioning being caught, but knowing I just lead Steven straight to me is something else entirely. My stomach flops and I feel unsafe, wanting to give up. Wanting to just go back and end this treasure hunt of my life. I don’t want to put anybody else in danger, and frankly, the stress alone is making it more and more difficult to pick myself up and keep going. I wear this mask daily, physically and emotionally, and I’m just tired, tired of running, pretending to be someone I’m not.

“Are we gonna get caught because of me? Because, honestly, I’d rather just go back than to make a mess for everyone else.”

“You aren’t going back. We haven’t invested this much time to give up; you are just taking us on a different path. We have several back up plans, so we’re going to take one of those. Next time, use better judgment.” He continues to drive, never looking at me in the rearview mirror, and I know I let him down.

A sharp stab hits my heart. I’m not someone who likes to let people down. I’m an obsessive person who always tries to give them the best, if not better than they are used to. So to say this has trumped the decent mood I have been in lately is a complete understatement. It sends me spiraling down into the same rut I’ve been trying to claw my way out of for years.

I remain silent the whole drive, never asking any information about where we are going, or when we’re going to be there. I know I’m most likely being way too hard on myself, but I can’t help it. We drive well into the night, only stopping for bathroom trips, which aren’t really many at all because I don’t want to be the one making this even more difficult. I have this feeling building inside that all I want to do is yell out, scream I’m sorry. I’m so angry at myself, I want to break something, smash my fist. Match the pain I’m feeling inside with a tangible thing others can see. It’s taking everything I have not to break down and freak out right now. At times I can see I’m my own worst enemy, always hard on myself, always wondering if I could’ve done something different in the moments of my huge fuck ups. It’s a gnawing feeling, something I can’t stop. I can feel it taking over. I keep my eyes closed in the back of this car, not wanting to see where we are going, not caring if the scenery around me is beautiful or not. All I want to do is get there.

“Parker, you really need to snap out of it. It happened, can you change that?” he asks

“No, I can’t. Do I want to? Yes. I just can’t believe I put us in this situation.”

“You need to stop letting things you can’t change have this much power over you. I for one thought you would have done this a long time ago. Did anything change after hearing your family on the phone? Do you feel better, or did it make you miss them more?”

I sigh. “It didn’t help. I’m still scared for them, even more so now.”

“Can I tell you something? I want to be honest about the situation we are in. Do you think you can handle it if I told you?” he asks, sizing me up in the mirror.

“Sure.”

“Well, after I spoke with Andrew, he called someone he knows at the police department. Since they are investigating your disappearance out there, they are in the loop of leads that might come in from out of state. Your parents’ line is tapped, and they know about the phone call. They were responding to the area to check it out. They know exactly the time the call came in, and I’m sure they’ll be looking into see if they have security footage of the area.” My fucking heart drops.

“We’ll change cars very shortly, just to make certain that they don’t go around looking for this one if they have it on camera. I’m not sure if they will be able to see anything, or if they even have cameras. Now I need you to be more