“I said not now,” Ashwin repeats. Pons backs away and leaves us. The prince musses his hair distractedly. He should not have been short with Pons, but after upsetting Rehan, I am in no position to criticize. “Kalinda, you cannot leave. We’re right in the middle of changing the temples and integrating bhutas. I cannot do this alone.”
“You won’t be alone. You have the support of your family and friends.”
He tugs at his lower lip in indecision. “You’ll miss my wedding.”
“I apologize for that.” Ashwin can lead without me and will probably be better off. My reputation is sullied by my bhuta heritage. Unlike Princess Gemi, I do not have food and materials to win over our people.
“You aren’t really sorry,” he says, his gaze fixed on mine. “You’ve been waiting for an excuse to leave.”
“You think I want this?”
“I think you’ve forgotten that people here care about you. Tinley and Pons and Indah did not stay to help us rebuild Vanhi out of devotion to me. They are your friends first. And the ranis? They’re your family. This is your home.”
Is it? I have not felt certain that I am where I belong since Jaya and I lived in Samiya. Since stepping down from my throne, I have fought hard for the reassurance that I am where the gods desire. Giving up my rank was the right decision, but what did I step down to? My reward was supposed to be a quiet life with Deven. Instead I am here, living in the shadow of who I could have been.
Perhaps I am relieved to go. I used to believe everything serves a purpose. Yet, since Deven was taken, I am less certain of the gods’ role in my life. No more can I wait for them to point out the path I should follow. I have to seize my own fate.
“Ashwin, I need to go.”
“You’re talking about traveling into the Void,” he clarifies.
“My fear of the under realm is still less than my regret for what’s happening to Deven. I don’t imagine you’ll understand.”
Ashwin inserts himself between me and my satchel. “I understand you blame yourself for his capture.” I attempt to maneuver around the prince, but he blocks me. “Getting yourself trapped down there won’t help anyone.”
“I’m not trying to help just anyone. I’m trying to help Deven.”
Ashwin gives me a blank look. He cannot relate. His feelings for me hinged upon him thinking he needed me at his right-hand side to rule. He was not in love with me. His great love is the empire.
“Someday,” I say softly, “I hope the gods bless you with a forever love.”
He flinches as though I have cursed him. I reach around him for my bag.
“Will you say good-bye to the others?” he asks.
Defending my decision to more of my friends would take the better part of the day, or longer. Natesa and Brac are not easily swayed. “I’d appreciate your telling them.”
“Natesa will be agitated.”