I shove at him. “Get off me. Don’t ever touch me again.”
“I—I don’t understand. What did I do?”
I adjust my tunic and rise on quaking knees. The wall patterns whirl around me. “You wished for me. When you unleashed Udug, you imagined me with you.”
“I imagined ruling in the palace. You know that.” Ashwin climbs to his knees, his hair disheveled from my hands stroking through the dark strands. My hunger for his warmth implores me to return to his arms, fasten my lips to his, and never ask another question.
“Did your heart’s wish include me ruling beside you?”
Ashwin’s eyes gleam his sincerity. “I’ve wished for you since we first met.”
His answer hits me like a staff to my stomach. I bowl over, and the icy sickness inside me spreads fast now that we are apart. Indah said she sensed Ashwin lied when he told the datu we are not intended to marry. In Ashwin’s heart, we are betrothed. When we touch, my pain eases because he wished for our union.
Ashwin wears a blank, slackened expression. “Kalinda, I told you how I felt about you before I unleashed Udug.”
“But you wished for me.” He returns my accusation with a series of rapid blinks. “This isn’t real! I’m drawn to you because you wished it.” The color in his cheeks drains away, and he presses his fist to his lips.
Another stone-cold thought strikes me.
Deven thinks I’m in love with Ashwin.
“If this is all an illusion, then why . . . ?” Ashwin waves at the floor and what just took place there.
“You wished that I’d rule the empire alongside you. Udug cannot defy your bidding.” I grip my teeth together to ward off another round of shivers. “Udug’s powers are still inside me. I’m safe from them when I’m near you.”
“Then stay close.” Ashwin steps forward to defend me from the cold, but I shuffle back and wrap my arms around myself. The violation of his imposed will crawls across my skin, stronger than my need for warmth. My teeth chatter involuntarily. I lock them down, but not before Ashwin sees. “You’re in pain.”
“Please keep away.” Ashwin did not manipulate me intentionally, but I do not trust myself near him.
He balls a fist and strikes at the veil. “Why won’t you let me help you?”
“Because I love Deven.” I clutch at my aching chest. “He’s my heart’s wish.”
Everything about Ashwin dims and sinks, his demeanor, his posture, his raised fist. Whatever light he shone for me extinguishes.
Why couldn’t he be Deven? I demand of the gods. Why did you tie me to a throne and a man my heart has not chosen? If I thought I could fall in love with Ashwin, I could set aside Deven right now. In his considerate, honorable way, he knows the choice is mine and loves me enough to walk away. But I never wanted Ashwin. Even if I had, any possible future with him has been permanently skewed.
I slip off his gold cuff and hold it out. “This is yours.”