Adam. She blames herself. She thinks that both she and Adam were trying to play a part, being who they thought they were supposed to be: a successful couple living in Highfield, being seen at all the smartest restaurants and parties in town.
It wasn’t so much pressure that Adam put on her, as pressure she put on herself. She didn’t want to let him down, wanted to fit in. She wanted, so very much, to be the woman she thought he wanted her to be.
Today, she is back to being “miss,” because, she suspects, she is lighter. The make-up, far from keeping her youthful, aged her, and the hairstyle was really too severe for a woman of her age.
But still. The lines, the shadows under her eyes she can do nothing about, even if, more generally, for forty-one she’s in pretty good shape.
Charlie is taking her out for her birthday tonight, which is a lovely surprise, particularly given that Charlie really can’t afford it, but she has insisted. Kit was hoping Steve would be around, but he has a business trip. However, he said he has a special gift to give her tomorrow.
Things are going well. Kit is happy, and starting to trust in the possibility of a relationship again. Steve seems to be going full speed ahead, though, which, at times, makes Kit nervous.
Just the other night, they were out at dinner, and Steve moved the bottle of wine out of the way so he could gaze into Kit’s eyes. It made her feel ever so slightly awkward, not to mention that her palms were a bit sweaty, hence her embarrassment when he reached over for her hand.
“I know this is very soon,” he said, “but I . . . I think I’m falling in love with you.”
“You are? ” She didn’t know what to say. Part delighted, part appalled. How could he possibly be in love with her after a handful of dates? Sure, men had told her this before after an equally short time, but not since she was around twenty.
Steve sat and waited for her reaction, but she couldn’t give him one. She was flattered, but nervous. This seemed a little . . . much.
“I . . . I love being with you,” she said awkwardly, knowing she couldn’t possibly say she loved him too.
“That’s okay.” He smiled. “I know you’re not ready, but you will be. Honestly, Kit, I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”
“But . . . you hardly know me,” she said eventually, trying to push her discomfort away.
“I know enough to know you’re an amazing person” he said. “You’re beautiful and smart and funny, and you make me feel like the best person I can be when I’m around you.”
Christ, she thought. This sounds like a line from a very bad chick flick. But she didn’t say anything. She just smiled.
Later that night, in her bed, when he rolled off her and pulled her close, kissing the top of her head and squeezing her, she told herself she was being ridiculous to have reservations. Look at this amazing man! Who wouldn’t want a man like this falling madly in love with her!
Perhaps her cynicism was unnecessary. Just because she didn’t believe in love at first sight, that didn’t mean it didn’t exist, and maybe Steve genuinely did feel all that he said he felt. Maybe she was just wary because she’d been through a divorce, was wary of being burned, of giving herself too easily, too fast.
She should count her lucky stars, she knows. There are dozens of divorced women in this town, and postdivorce life is lonely for so many. How lucky to have found a wonderful man, good-looking, successful, unattached and, most importantly, in love with her.
Tonight, though, he is away, and she will confess to missing him, to wishing he was here on her birthday. He can’t help it, she knows, but it seems so sad, to be celebrating her birthday with just Charlie.
They are going to the Greenhouse, and Kit knows Charlie will have organized a cake, will have done something to make it special, but she sees Charlie all the time and she wishes others were coming, to make it feel more of a celebration.
Tracy is busy. Alice is working. Annabel said she has a date, with a guy she met at the grocery store.
“We’ll celebrate with them another time,” Charlie said. “Tonight it’s just you and me.”
Kit finishes her make-up, flips her head upside down