I ever dreamed of doing. I’m still a whole person even though I’m sick. I think it’s quite discriminatory to say that if someone isn’t healthy, they have nothing. Because with so many disabled people in the world, that’s just not the truth. I don’t have to be healthy to have value.”
Emma looked at me. “And that’s true for you as well. You’re whole despite what you lost. On the inside and the outside. Having a disability can be awful. It can be gut-wrenching, and painful, and cruel.”
Emma shrugged. “And then sometimes, it’s just another day. I’m starting to think that my body’s just different from everyone else’s, and not necessarily in a bad way. It functions in a way that requires more care and more creativity, but that doesn’t mean my body is wrong, or undeserving.”
Her words inspired hope in me. “You think so?”
“Why not? My medicine is a tool to help me function. You don’t have a leg, so you use a tool to get around. It puts you apart from other people but doesn’t make you inferior. Like what you said once about Unseelie and Seelie fae. You don’t know better, you just know different.”
She kicked out her legs. “I think Stefan was onto something when he said we needed to stop comparing ourselves. I’m sick of comparing myself to healthy, able-bodied people, because I’m never going to be one and I can’t judge myself by that standard. I live a completely different lifestyle. What they can do can’t match up to my own barriers.”
“When did you get so wise?”
“I didn’t. I accepted reality.” She tore her eyes away from the skyline to look at me. I have to be okay knowing I’m different, and become accustomed to possibly living a short life.”
“Onawilke, don’t talk like that.”
“But I’m not afraid of death. I’m afraid of living a life that doesn’t mean anything,” Emma said. “To live and be forgotten without making my mark on the world. I want to change people’s lives while I’m here. Even if the only extraordinary life I get to live is my own.”
“I fear nothing but losing you,” I confessed. “Everything else has been taken from me. You’re all I have in the world, onawilke. Which is why you’re going to die a very old lady, next to me in my bed. And not anytime sooner.”
She gave a coy smile. “Is that an order from my alpha?”
“Yes. And you’d better obey it.” I squeezed her tightly to me. Gods, to think of her death... never. I wouldn’t permit myself to fantasize about such a nightmare.
Emma let out another yawn. “Finally getting tired?” I asked.
“Yes. Which is strange. I think I can finally rest, with you by my side.”
“I know how you feel. I’ve been an insomniac myself since my father died. The first few weeks I slept all day and stayed awake all night. I couldn’t rest during the night.”
One of the reasons I became the Phantom. I was tired of lying in my bed, begging for sleep and gaining none, terrified of the terrors I’d receive once I closed my eyes. My dreams were full of images of my father’s death. I had to get up and do something to stop them.
I was keenly aware of Emma pressing her nose into my shirt, to inhale my scent. “There’s nothing quite like watching the sun come up after a long night with no sleep, is there?”
“No. Nothing.”
I pulled her up from her seat. “We’ve been up here long enough. Come. Now it’s really time for bed.”
Emma obediently followed, and the weight of our former conversation pressed in around us. As we reached my door, she turned toward me.
“I don’t want to sleep alone tonight,” she said. “I want to be with you.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “Girls aren’t permitted in boys’ dormitories after dark, onawilke.”
“I’ve never been very good at following the rules,” she cooed, and she batted her eyelashes.
I swallowed. She was mischievous, and had a plan. She was totally up to something. “Well... I’m not one to refuse a lady.”
Emma entered my room. My heart swelled just as it thudded in anticipation. As the lock clicked shut behind her, I had a momentary thrill. She looked me up and down— without words, she pulled off her sweater and her shirt, tossing them to the side, before kicking off her skirt and yanking off her socks and shoes.
My cheeks became heated, and she shrugged. “What? I’m not sleeping in day clothes.”