hoping that no matter what else I screwed up last night, I might’ve actually gotten this one thing right.
At least that’s what I hope.
But another part of me can’t help but remember the uncs’ grim response to Smith’s accusation that his wish was a curse.
I’ve already used up my wish, but I still try to make another one.
Let them be wrong. Please, please, please let them be wrong.
Let that wish be an answer to a prayer and not just another nightmare.
GOOD GOD
The silence in the car is so full of unsaid words that talking seems redundant. I stare out the window, pretending I don’t notice, like I’m so lost in my own thoughts I’d need a map to find my way out.
The truth is, my thoughts are pretty clear right now. This is fucked this is fucked this is so fucked is the nonstop refrain swirling around in the space between my ears.
After ten minutes of this I realize I can’t sit here stewing while we spend the next twenty minutes driving from my neighborhood full of weedy lawns and boarded-up windows to the complete opposite end of town, where Smith’s house is the shining jewel of Dalton Lake Estates.
There are so many things I could use to get the conversational ball rolling. I could ask about Dyl. Or what happened to his face. Or if he thinks this whole wish thing might possibly be for real.
Instead I say, “I think I’m still drunk.”
Smith glances over at me. “Nah. You puked a lot up last night.”
“How do you know?” And then I realize. Of course, while he and his horrible friends were driving me to the bar. “Never mind,” I say when Smith doesn’t answer. “I figured it out.”
Smith sighs. “Lennie, I’m . . .” for a second I think he’s gonna say he’s sorry. But Dyl always said that word wasn’t in their vocabulary, and I guess she was right, ’cause instead he says, “I’m glad you got home okay.”
“No thanks to you,” I snap back.
“I wasn’t gonna leave you there.”
“You should never have brought me in the first place!”
“I know! Okay? I know. I just . . .” Smith takes his right hand off the steering wheel and flexes the fingers open and closed. “I wanted to shake you up. Scare you. I thought you knew something about Dyl, and I wanted you to spill it.”
I don’t answer right away, because he’s right. I didn’t tell the cops everything I knew. I would’ve if it could have saved Dyl, but by the time I realized, she was already dead. Then it seemed pointless. Everyone already blamed me, why make it worse?
There was only one person I would’ve willingly given all the details to. “You could’ve asked me, Smith. But you didn’t want to. You wouldn’t even let me in the church for her funeral.” I close my eyes as my hangover suddenly catches up with me. Or maybe it’s the memory of standing in the parking lot, watching the church slowly fill up with people who’d barely given Dyl the time of day when she was alive.
Silence stretches between us once more and I’m pretty sure it’s the end of that conversation when Smith says, “You’re right.” It’s as close as he’s gonna get to an apology, I guess.
I could throw it back at him, say something like, “Of course I’m right.” But that’s what you say when you’re angry, not when you feel as if you’ve been chopped into pieces just like your best friend. And I can’t say, “It’s okay,” either, because it definitely is not.
I settle on a shrug. “Whatever, Smith.”
He doesn’t reply, but after another pregnant pause, I feel his fingers brush against mine. I’m not falling for that again. I quickly jerk my hand away.
“Come on, Lennie, please,” Smith says, and I can hear the strain in his voice. “Let me have it for a few seconds. It feels like someone is sticking needles into my fingertips and fire ants are crawling over my knuckles. I need your hand for a tiny bit, just to make the feeling go away.”
I tuck both hands under my butt. “It’s a part of my body, Smith. Not hemorrhoid cream.”
“Yeah, well, I already tried hemorrhoid cream. And a bag of frozen corn. Then I thought maybe I could burn the feeling away.”
“But you didn’t,” I quickly interject.
“No, I didn’t.” Smith glances over at me. “I flipped a coin and it landed heads up, so I turned the