Doughnut - By Tom Holt Page 0,98
and we’re there.”
“Theo.” Pieter’s face was as unreadable as On Chesil Beach. “I think you may just have had a good idea. Hard to accept, I know, but we are, after all, scientists. Well, don’t just stand there like the Prune-King’s daughter. Do it.”
Slowly and carefully, Theo flexed his fingers, making sure they all worked. It was still rather weird, being able to see them again. “All right,” he said. “On one condition.”
“Theo—”
“One condition. Just one. Otherwise, we stay here and learn to love Aussie Rules Football. Well?”
“Whatever.”
“The condition is,” Theo said gravely, “you explain.”
“What?”
“Everything.”
“Oh, that. Yes, if you like. Now, press the damn button.” Feeling a bit like the President after the Russian premier has refused to take back what he just said about motherhood and apple pie, Theo placed the tip of his finger over the button, until he could just feel the texture of it, and applied gentle but consistent pressure. There was an agonising pause, followed by the dial tone.
“Well?”
“Quiet, it’s ringing.”
Four rings; five. Then a male voice Theo didn’t recognise said, “Ja?”
“Hello. I’d like to speak to Janine, please.”
“Huh?”
Deep breath. “Janine Bernstein. Could I possibly talk to her, please?”
Pause. “Zis is Kurt. Vat you vant?”
Pieter was pulling the sort of face the human skin wasn’t designed to cope with. “Please may I speak to Janine Bernstein. Please.”
“She not here. She gone out. Zis is Kurt. Vat you—?”
“Do you know when she’s likely to be back? It’s very important.”
“She gone out. I ott-chob man. She not tell me ven she come back. Vy ze hell she tell me anyzing. I not care. I chust vurk here.”
Theo tried to count to ten. He got as far as three. “Is there any way you could get a message to her? It really is extremely—”
“I write note. She not read. She never read note. I write anyhow, is vaste of time. I write note.”
Pieter was making faint mewing noises, like a sick cat. “Can you please tell me the phone number?”
“Vas?”
“The number. The phone number I’m calling on right now?”
“Vy you ask? You know number. You calling on number. Vot you ask me for?”
“Please?”
“I not know number. I chust vurk here. Is lousy job. I cut grass, vosh vindows, take out trash, I not gottdamn social secretary. You get off ze line now. I go.”
“Please tell her,” Theo said desperately. “Theo called. About Max. Urgent. Really, really urgent.”
“I write note. Vaste of paper. She not read. I go now.”
The click, and then the whirr. Theo slowly put the phone down. “She’s out,” he said. “I left a message.”
“That’s it, then,” Pieter said. “We’re screwed. We’re going to be stuck here for the rest of our lives. In Australia.”
“No we aren’t.” Theo said firmly. “Janine will get my message and call us back, and then—” He gave up. “You’re right,” he said. “We’re screwed. Oh well.”
“Oh well?”
“It’s not so bad,” Theo said. “At least it’s the twenty-first century and the people are human. Think about it. We could be stuck where Max is.”
Pieter shrugged. “That’s not so bad, either. There’s humans living on the southern continent. They’re all princesses. No men, just a load of rich, lonely young women in sparkly dresses. There are definitely worse places, trust me.”
“Yes, well. Max isn’t there, is he? He’s stuck in a cave surrounded by furry animals with automatic weapons.”
“In accordance with the fundamental human right to keep and arm bears. Yes, I know. Old but gold. He’ll be all right, don’t worry. Besides, I thought you didn’t give a damn.”
Theo shook his head. “I don’t like him but I don’t want him killed. He’s my brother.” He sighed. “It’s a very special relationship, you know? No, I don’t suppose you do.”
“Actually, that’s how I feel about my sister. Two parts a sort of mystical union of souls, three parts constant unbearable irritation. Also, I never know what to get her for her birthday.” Pieter sat down on the papal throne and relit his cigar for the third time. “You could knock through that partition wall there and turn this whole wing into a bowling alley.”
“She’ll call us,” Theo said. “I mean, she wants me to find Max, she’ll be on that phone any moment now. Not that she gives a damn about me, but where Max is concerned—”
“Theo,” Pieter said, “forget it. We aren’t going anywhere. Did I tell you about the time-decay thing?”
“The what?”
“Ah.” Pieter nodded slowly. “Key piece of information. It’s in the manual, of course, but since you couldn’t