Look, we both know you’re bluffing.”
Theo scowled at him, then made the sign of the cross. “Pax vobiscum, scumbag,” he said. “Oh, and you’re fired. I’ve felt for some time I need a personal physician with integrity and compassion. Not to mention a medical degree.”
Pieter sighed, then shrugged. “Fine,” he said. “After all,” he added, “it’s not like we’re going anywhere in a hurry.” He looked down at the cigar between his fingers, which had gone out, and relit it. “We need coffee,” he said. “Medical emergency. There’s a bell around here somewhere. You ring it, and some clown comes and takes your order. Ah. This’ll do.”
There was indeed a small silver bell, resting on a beautiful leather-bound Bible, next to a silver candlestick, in which a fat white candle dimly flickered. The combination stirred something in Theo’s memory, but he couldn’t be bothered to follow it up. He shook the bell and it tinkled, and a moment later Nev the acolyte appeared. “Your Holiness?”
“Coffee,” Pieter said. “Strong. Lots.”
“Your Holiness,” Nev repeated. “Is that wise?”
Theo shrugged. “He’s the doctor,” he said. “He says it’s OK.”
Nev continued to stare at the bell in Theo’s hand, and the candle, which had gone out. “You don’t think it’s a bit, well, extreme?”
“What, coffee?”
“Excommunicating the whole of Sydney.”
Theo frowned, then looked back over his shoulder through the picture window. Ah, he thought. Bell, book and candle. Oops. “Did I just do that?”
“Afraid so, Your Holiness.”
“Butterfingers,” Pieter muttered. “His Holiness just had one of his funny turns,” he went on, as the cardinal appeared in the doorway. “I’m sure he didn’t mean anything by it. He gets these sudden incontrollable rages, and then, wham, eternal damnation from Wollongong to Gosford. I’ll give him something for it, he’ll be fine soon. Meanwhile, some coffee would be nice, if it’s no bother.”
Nev and the cardinal backed out slowly, taking care to maintain eye contact until the door was safely shut behind them. “Thanks, Pieter,” Theo said. “Thanks a lot.”
Pieter shrugged. “When you decide to make a difference, you don’t muck about.” he said. “I think your chances of staying here and living a nice, quiet life aren’t quite what they were. I’m not quite sure what’s involved in getting rid of a pope who’s gone out of his gourd, but there’s bound to be a proper procedure.” He smiled, then added, “Don’t ever threaten me, Theo, it’s rude and I don’t like it. Understood? Splendid. Right, what do you suggest we do now?”
“I don’t know, do I?” Theo yelled. “I just want to go home.”
“Can’t, sorry.” Pieter gave him a look you could’ve crushed diamonds with. “Not if the bottle’s broken.”
“The phone.” A tiny spurt of hope. “We could use the phone.”
“What, to order in pizza?”
“To call Janine. My sister.”
Pieter shook his head sadly. “All right,” he said, “it’s possible there’s a version of your sister in this reality. But she won’t know what’s going on, and she most definitely won’t be able to get you home. Obviously you haven’t been listening to a word I’ve said, or you’d—”
“She rang me,” Theo said. “Just now.”
If Time is a piece of cheese, the two seconds that followed were fondue. “I beg your pardon?”
“She called me. Everyone thought she was the Tsar, naturally—”
“Of course. Easy mistake to make.”
“—but it was her, I talked to her, she told me to find Max. Then the cardinal grabbed the phone and told her I’d had a heart attack, so I didn’t get to ask her how she’d got me here. But if she got me here, she can get me back. Can’t she?”
Pieter hadn’t breathed for quite some time. “Not sure,” he said. “Depends.”
“On what?”
“Well, it looks like she’s got a YouSpace bottle,” Pieter said, puffing at his cigar, which had gone out again. “So in theory, yes. But I doubt very much if she knows how to work it.”
Theo grinned. “Maybe not,” he said. “But you do.”
“Yes,” Pieter said. “I do, don’t I? Good thought.”
“It’d be like those aeroplane disaster movies, where the guy on the ground tells the complete novice how to land the plane.”
“Um. Bad analogy.”
“So all we’ve got to do is call her back.”
“Of course. Got her number, have you? Bearing in mind that it’s absolutely impossible to send a telephone signal of any sort across the transdimensional vortex.”
“She did it,” Theo said simply. “So it’s possible. And I don’t need her number.” He picked up the phone. “All I have to do is press the call-you-back button