Doughnut - By Tom Holt Page 0,26

VGI shared universe, where company representatives will make the necessary arrangements to get them home.

VGI likewise can accept no responsibility for mishaps caused by the use of unlicensed software or the criminal activities of universe hackers. When purchasing additional universes for your YouSpace module, make sure you buy only licensed VGI products, and report all infringements, unlicensed copies and unauthorised intrusions to the company immediately.

YouSpace. You’ve got the whole world in your hand.

While he’d been reading, the airliner had flown straight over his head and was now busily annotating the sky behind the beech tree. He got up, walked round to the other side of the tree and read –

WARNING: The alternative realities accessed via your YouSpace unit are real and therefore potentially lethal environments. Caution should be taken to avoid edged weapons, firearms, orcs, giants, dragons, soldiers, mysterious one-eyed strangers, falling from a great height, diseases, deep water, fast-moving vehicles and animals, carnivores, bogs, quicksands, high-voltage electric currents, thermonuclear explosions, starvation, dehydration, jealous spouses, star-crossed love, political upheavals, earthquakes, mudslides, lava flows, tidal waves, snakes, bears, wolves, various species of insect, pitfalls, landmines, divine retribution, poison, obesity, alcohol, narcotics, old age, royal disfavour, assassination, envy, malice, evil, poetic justice, inflammable materials, lightning, unjust or corrupt legal systems, grief, longing, suicidal tendencies, sharks, crocodiles, blunt instruments, falling trees, collapsing masonry, rope bridges over deep chasms, direct impact from asteroids or other similar extraterrestrial bodies, ice ages, global warming, curses, witchcraft and entropy, all of which can cause severe injury or death. For detailed information on these and other hazards, consult literature available from manufacturer.

He stared at the white letters until they started to grow fuzzy and soft-edged. You missed out thin ice, he thought, not to mention killer jellyfish. His neck was sore from craning his head back, and the thought of sitting quietly in his room or behind the nice desk in Reception filled him with sweet longing. He looked round for a doorway, or a control panel, but there was nothing as far as the eye could see except ripening wheat.

There was that faint droning again. The plane was back. Instinctively he turned to face the only remaining panel of uninscribed sky. Sure enough –

INSTRUCTIONS FOR USE:

1 Input user code, password and your unique 77-digit PIN and product licence number

2 Set all NUM defaults to 0 before selecting PKP outlet port

3 Ensure RET definitions checkboxes are clear and all bouncers are disabled

4 Follow the instructions in the sky

Ah, he thought bitterly, I hadn’t realised it was a Microsoft product. But the plane was still moving –

4 Alternatively, bypass start-up protocols

Definitely a Microsoft product –

5 For further assistance, shout Help

So he did that. Nothing happened. The plane had flown away, nobody came and there was no sound to be heard except the gentle tweeting of a songbird in the branches above his head. He slumped back down against the tree trunk and buried his head in his hands.

Nothing. Still nobody. The bird carried on singing.

After about twenty seconds, he lifted his head. The bird was –

“… And once you’ve done that, you can go home. Got that? Fine.”

It was birdsong, but he could understand it. He jumped up, just in time to see a small brown bird fluttering out of the topmost branch of the tree.

“Hey,” he yelled, “wait, stop, some back!”

The bird flew on, then banked, turned, spread its wings, glided, flapped twice and pitched on a twig above his head. “Well?”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wasn’t listening.”

“Fine.”

“Will you please,” Theo said, “just say all that again?”

Pause. “All of it?”

“Yes. Please.”

Three seconds’ silence. “This time you’ll listen.”

“Yes. I promise.”

“All right. Ready?”

“Yes.”

“This is your last chance,” the bird said sternly. “Really, I’m only supposed to say it once.”

“I really am very sorry, and it’s extremely kind of you to—”

“Yes, right, fine. OK, here we go. The most important thing you need to know is—”

Directly overhead, there was a rushing noise. A fast-moving shadow covered his face and a great dark shape burst into view, sailing through the air and vanishing behind the interwoven branches of the tree. Theo saw huge outstretched wings, talons, a beak like a meat hook and two perfectly round yellow eyes. There was a whacking sound, like a bat hitting a ball, and a sprinkle of small feathers was floating in the air like sycamore seeds, twirling as they drifted slowly downwards. With two beats of its absurdly broad wings, the eagle dragged itself out of its dive and launched itself upwards, a feathery bundle