And the only person I know of who can relate to me in any way, or at least, I feel like she can, is Joanna. A woman I have no business thinking about because she’s in a very dark place right now. All I can think about is how I want us to share each other’s darkness. Maybe our shades of black are different, and the nights won’t be so bad if we leaned on each other.
Who the fuck am I kidding? Who would want someone who looks like me? I’m a monster, a scarred-up beast, a Frankenstein’s monster. If she saw all of me, all she would see is a freak show. I know I put on a good face with coming to the rescue at someone’s beck and call, but they don’t know me.
If there is one thing I don’t do it’s attention, even if I do want it from Joanna.
I stare down at the pregnancy test in my hand in disbelief. This can’t be right. This cannot be happening to me. Oh God, no. No, no, no. I throw a hand over my mouth and sob. Those two pink lines have to be lying.
Pregnant.
I knew something was wrong for the last few weeks, but this was the last thing I thought it would be.
“Oh my god, what am I going to do?” I lean against the bathroom wall and let the fear of being a mother seep into me. I wail painful swells as emotions tighten my chest. I try to think about the moment it happened, the time I was so thoughtless, but nothing comes to mind.
Don’t get me wrong, I’ve partied in college like every other person, and I have my dark moments because I still dream of that basement I was held captive in. I lay a hand across my stomach and think about everything. I have a final exam tomorrow. One test. One test and I’ll have my degree. I’ve worked so hard, and the Ruthless Kings have fronted every cent of my college education. Reaper has been amazing through this entire experience. I have my own apartment, car, and I don’t have to work because they keep my bank account full.
They are opposite of who the Ruthless Kings were in Jersey.
And I’ve let them down.
“What happened? Oh, God.” I toss the pregnancy test in the trash and think about all the choices that have led to this moment. This can’t be happening. It has to be a false positive. I haven’t had sex since before I was kidnapped in New Jersey. “Okay, breathe. Think. Breathe. Get your head on straight. You’re alive. You’re here.” I’ve never felt so empty. This baby is a mistake. I can’t believe I don’t remember—
Wait a minute.
I wipe my cheeks with my forearms, feeling the ridges of a few scars and think back to the party I went to a month or so ago. It was at Brody’s apartment. I remember having a drink that Brody gave me, just the one, and then everything after that was a little fuzzy.
What if…
“No,” I whimper and cover my face with my hands. “No, no, no. I’m going to be sick.” I flip around on the toilet and throw up my breakfast. I reach for the toilet paper roll and pull a sheet and then wipe my mouth off. Tossing the ruined paper in the toilet, I reach for the handle and flush. I fall on my ass, and the cold tile doesn’t yank me from my nightmare. My pants are around my ankles, but I don’t bother pulling them up.
I don’t have the energy.
Surely, Brody wouldn’t… He couldn’t… He is/was my friend.
I pull my thighs to my chest and cross my arms over my knees. I hang my head and cry because I don’t know what else to do. I’m twenty-one. I’m fucked up. What the hell am I going to do with a baby?
I could get an abortion.
I cry harder at the thought. The baby is innocent. I could never get an abortion. Whether I’m ready or not, I’m going to be a mother. I don’t understand why Brody did what he did, but there isn’t anything I can do about it since I can’t remember details. If I hadn’t gone to that party, if I didn’t accept that drink, then none of this would be happening.
If. If. If.
Ifs are useless to think about since nothing can be changed. Time can’t