was sweet. He was the exact opposite of the men I’d been dealing with lately, and I warmed to him immediately, even though we were on opposite sides.
A uniformed officer sat at the back of the courtroom, and I felt a bit better having him there, even though I didn’t know which hearing he was attending.
My mouth almost dropped open when Judge Hallenback swept into the courtroom wearing his judge’s robe, red cowboy boots, and that stupid hat with the tassels. He was sucking a purple popsicle. He nodded at me. “Alberto. Good to see you again.”
“Um, thanks Judge.” I quickly introduced Clark and tried to appear normal.
The judge sighed. “Everyone is getting ready for the funeral, so I said I’d cover these hearings. Haven’t been to misdemeanor court in years. Years and years. Smells funny in here.” He glanced down at his case files. “Let’s do this.” Then he started humming ‘Can’t Touch This’ loudly.
I coughed and read my files, motioning for Clark to do the same. Most of my cases involved either pot or meth, and I guess the news stories about the current drug epidemic were true. We pled most of them out with only two going to trial, and Clark was a quick learner, even though the judge went from talking about the law to I Love Lucy.
Finally, Clark was finished with his files, and he fled the courtroom with an apologetic smile. People had already filtered in for the next hour of civil hearings, which I wasn’t involved in. I only had one case file left when the judge called for Charles Monroe to come up.
I turned as the defendant loped his way to the front. He was in his late seventies with thinning grey hair. Folds of skin down his neck made him look like a hungry chicken.
“Hiya hot stuff,” he whispered in my ear as he sat down at the table Clark had vacated. A large olive trench coat encased Monroe’s skinny body, and furry brown slippers with beaver heads covered his feet. Maybe he and the judge would get along fine.
I lifted an eyebrow and opened his file to read the charges while the judge did the same thing. I tried not to giggle as I read about the charge and the rather hilarious witness statements. Most of them were in support of the guy and asked that he not be charged. I glanced at Monroe. “Do you have an attorney?”
“Don’t need one.” He grinned.
It was his choice. “You were arrested for indecent exposure at the Elk’s Lodge during bingo?”
“Yep.” His chicken neck bobbed up and down. “I wanted to give them Lady Elks something to talk about. You know, not many of them are getting any now.” His small brown eyes gleamed with conviction.
“Is this your first offense?” I whispered back.
“Offense?” His voice rose. “Are you kidding? I gave them a freakin’ gift.” He leaned toward me, across the aisle, and lowered his voice. “I got me some of them blue pills, and boy do they work.”
Oh God.
The judge cleared his throat. “Alberto, is there a plea offer from the state?”
I didn’t have time for this. “The state offers two months’ probation conditioned upon Mr. Monroe keeping his clothes on from now on.”
“Two months?” Charles jumped to his feet before I could respond. “Those old birds should be paying me for the show. Two months? No freakin’ way.”
The judge gave me a firm nod. “Alberto, please control your client.”
“He’s not my client, Judge. I’m the prosecution.” I stood to my feet and leaned toward Charles. “Um, probation is not a big deal. You won’t have to do anything.”
He turned sharp eyes on me. “Maybe you don’t understand what I’m saying! I have blue and white pills. I’m the Beast—it’s all about Beast now. Let me show you.” He reached down and unbuckled the coat, shucking it to the ground. He was suddenly and completely naked.
The Beast? I yelped in surprise at the sight of his shriveled wanker, sunken chest, and bony knees. His skin was as close to waxy chalk as I’d ever seen. I never wanted to get old. Ever. The courtroom erupted into surprised gasps and some laughter as Charles jumped across the aisle and up onto the prosecution table. He turned toward the crowd, shaking his floppy penis and singing, “Lookie here, praise the blue pill, lookie here…”
The judge pounded his gavel on the desk.
I leaned down and grabbed the fallen trench coat before holding it up to