Dirty Thoughts - Megan Erickson Page 0,33
the cap of his shoulder, wasn’t inked, but the black rays around it showed the circular outline.
He held his breath until those fingers left his skin.
“Cal,” she whispered.
He inhaled the last of his cigarette, blew out the smoke, and stubbed out the butt into the bowl. “Got it a long time ago.”
“It’s a sun.” Her voice shook.
“Yep.”
She walked around and stood in front of him. He clasped his hands between his knees and stared at his bare feet.
“You tattooed a sun on your shoulder, Cal.”
“Told you it was a long time ago, Jenna.”
Her voice was quiet. “Are we allowed to talk about what’s next now?”
He tensed his shoulders so they rose up around his ears. “Don’t think there is a ‘what’s next.’ ”
She made a sound of protest in her throat, but before she could get a word in, he stood up, towering over her. “You said yourself you didn’t mind coming back here to start a family. And that’s great. I hope you get that white house and three-point-two kids or whatever the fuck, but that’s not gonna happen with me. I don’t want it.”
There it was. Cal didn’t see the point in continuing this when they wanted drastically different futures. Love hadn’t been enough then, and it wouldn’t be enough now.
Jenna eyes widened. “Are you kidding me right now?”
“No, I don’t want—”
“Stop.” She held her hand up, and he clamped his mouth shut. She crossed her arms over her chest, and her hazel eyes blazed up at him. “What the hell do you think? I came back here to find a guy ASAP and pop out some kids?”
He clenched his jaw. “You said—”
“I know what I said, but damn, if I’d known you’d take it so literally, I never would have said it.”
“Well, do you want to get married and have kids?”
Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened again.
“See?” he demanded.
“I didn’t say anything yet!” She straightened her fists at her sides.
He ran a hand through his hair in frustration. “This is why I tried to avoid this in the tow truck that night. Well, that and the fact that I didn’t want to fuck you for the first time in ten years in a fucking tow truck.”
She rolled her eyes. “Okay, so to be honest, yes, I want kids. But I want a family, not a sperm donor. I want to find the love of my life and marry him and then kids . . . well . . . hopefully they come next. But I’m not watching my biological clock and biting my nails. I didn’t even have any intention of dating anytime soon, but you have a way of always messing with my plans, don’t you?”
That was a low blow, the reference to their plans to stay together. He flinched. And she did too. “Shit, Cal, I didn’t mean it that way.”
He turned away from her, not wanting to look into those eyes anymore. “Nah, you did. And it’s okay. I know I messed up the best plan I’d ever made.”
She laid a hand on his bare back and slid it around his waist. Her other arm did the same, until she was hugging him from behind, her face pressed against the ridges of his spine. He was lost in thought until her voice said softly, “You don’t want kids?”
“Been there, done that.”
She paused. “You mean Max and Brent?”
Yeah, he meant them. He meant the messed-up family that they’d somehow managed to keep together with duct tape, car grease, and a prayer. They were all present, accounted for, and healthy, even if Max’d had a scary run-in with a couple of muggers on his college campus a couple of years ago. They’d put him in the hospital and scared Cal out of his mind.
Cal had raised his brothers. He couldn’t abandon them like everyone else did. They were his. His family. His flesh and blood. So he did the best he could and took care of them—when he still needed caring for himself.
He sighed. “I already raised a family. Don’t wanna get married and do it all over again. Filled my lifetime quota, I think. I like being responsible for myself, and that’s it.”
Her fingers played on his stomach. “You didn’t always feel that way.”
He didn’t want the same things anymore. He wanted nothing more to do with that kid who’d had big dreams of a career, with Jenna and their family. “I don’t want what you want, Jenna.”
Her hair brushed along his skin as