Dirty Sexy Alphas (Twenty Book Box Set) - Hannah Ford Page 0,59

that he loves you back, then it doesn’t go both ways.”

“That’s what I’m afraid of,” I admitted. “I’m afraid to let myself get any closer than I already have. I went down that road once and I didn’t see him for three years. He disappeared on me.”

Jesus, I couldn’t survive that again. The idea of Landon leaving town and cutting me off again killed me. I would spend the rest of my life re-imaging every moment we’d spent together.

Every time we’d made love, and fallen asleep together. I’d be haunted by all those times I mouthed, I love you, but never said it.

“It sounds like you’re better off without him,” Ben said.

I laughed, but there was little humor in it. “That would be the logical conclusion. I just can’t convince the rest of me to agree.”

His lip quirked. “A scientist who has trouble making logical choices?”

Logical choices. Yes, it was logical to let him go. To focus on myself. So why couldn’t I do it?

“Only when it comes to him,” I finally said. “He drives me insane. I make terrible, idiotic choices when I’m around him.”

“I can see why. He’s so charming,” Ben said drily.

I laughed again, and this time it was genuine. “He wasn’t exactly on his best behavior the other night.”

“I thought he might rip my arm off.”

I grinned. “That’s a distinct possibility. He was never any good at sharing.”

“You’re not going back to him, are you?” Ben asked, his voice turning serious. “Because this just sounds… not right. Maybe it’s best you make a clean break, you know? Focus on yourself?”

I stared down at my cup, peeling away the cardboard cup insulator. “I don’t know. I mean, I guess I know, on some level, what’s right. But I can’t do it. He means too much to me.”

“Taryn.” I glanced up, at the sincerity in his eyes. “I’m being serious. Any guy who refuses to commit to you is an idiot.”

I tore my gaze away, staring down at my cup and wishing I could climb inside and disappear. I wanted too much to argue with Ben, to make him understand why Landon was worth waiting for. Worth fighting for. To make him understand why I couldn’t just turn my back on him.

“I mean it. You should move on. He’s not worth it.” He paused. “To be honest, he seemed like a douchebag.”

Annoyance flared. Landon was not a douchebag. “He’s not. I mean, I know he got a little, uh, rough and tumble with you or whatever, but there’s more to him than that.”

My phone chirped, and my heart jumped. Hoping desperately, it would be Landon, begging me to come back.

I wanted to turn my back on this internship and hop on a plane and go to him. When we were together, things made sense. The world righted itself and my life sprawled out in front of me, with a happy, rose-colored tint. Even though our ghosts lurked in the background, somehow we had a way of ignoring the when we were together.

Like it was us against the world.

Annie’s named popped up on screen, and I held my phone closer to read her text. I didn’t need to unlock the screen, because the text was only three words.

“Oh my god,” I said, my throat going dry.

‘What?”

I looked up at him. “Landon’s dad died.”

“Oh.” Ben blinked. “Was he ill?”

“I mean he didn’t have C—“ My voice caught. “He didn’t have a terminal illness or anything,” I finished. “If he was sick when he died, it had to be something recent.”

Oh god, Landon. How was he reacting to this? I couldn’t even imagine how he felt right now, whether it was vindication or grief.

Why didn’t he tell me himself? It didn’t matter how we’d left things; he knew I cared about him. Knew I’d be there for him when he needed me.

But he didn’t turn to me in his time of need. When I found out about Matt’s cancer, Landon was the one I ran to. Yet he didn’t seem to feel that way toward me. Didn’t look to me for comfort and someone to lean on.

And that stung.

“Do you think you could drop me off at my apartment?” I asked, draining the last bit of my coffee. “I need to make some calls.”

“Sure,” Ben said, picking up our cups and tossing them into a nearby trashcan. He picked up his keys from the whicker table and stood. “Let’s go.”

The ride over was silent. I knew Ben wanted to question me.